Couch Potato: Alabama, Auburn, Ole Miss, LSU, God, Man, Birth, Death, Infinity

Troy at Nebraska

Noon, BTN, whatever the hell that is

Things have gone downhill for Nebraska’s new coach Scott Frost, who parlayed last year’s undefeated fake national championship at UCF into a job at his broke-down alma mater. First, he got his house robbed of about $150,000 worth of Nebraska memorabilia by some girl, then got rained out against Akron right before Colorado handed him his ass. Can Troy catch the Shuckers looking ahead to next week’s big game with Michigan, which sucks as much as they do? YES! In the Upset! Troy … covers the 11 point line, which is an embarrassment enough.

Georgia Southern at No. 2 Clemson

Clemson looked like shit last week beating Texas A&M, but should rebound to stomp the Eagles’ guts out to energize the fan base like a Trump tweet into the vain belief that blasting through the rest of the shitty ACC for the rest of the season will be an indication of something worthwhile.

Vanderbilt at Notre Dame

Notre Dame, an average school, claims to be an academic powerhouse like Vanderbilt, which is really an average school whose sports teams consistently suck, creating the illusion of high SAT scores. The Irish are well on the way to another solid overrated season against shitty midwestern teams and maybe even another beatdown in the national championship game by a real team. We can hope.

Tulane vs. UAB

Who fucking cares?

No. 11 LSU vs. No. 7 Auburn

LSU was expected to be bad this year because coach Ed Orgeron talks like he has a mouth full of boudin and bourbon, but though he is unintelligible, he can actually do something that resembles coaching on occasion. LSU looked pretty good against Miami, but Miami is godawful, so who knows? Nevertheless, Auburn’s offense looked horrible against Washington, which is a fake good team because it’s in the PAC-12, which sucks, but Auburn’s offense probably really is awful in real life except for the quarterback, who is going to get killed sooner or later behind that awful OL. LSU’s defense looked good against Miami until the third quarter when they all got tired and wanted to go home and get a sno-cone. LSU’s quarterback, what’s his name, the transfer from Ohio State or something, looked like he has actually played football before, unlike any LSU quarterback since Slingin’ Sammy Baugh, who went to TCU, not LSU. Those goddamn initial schools always confuse me. So I think LSU will cover the 9.5 points because I’m not sure Auburn can score that many, though I think there’s a good chance the War Eagle defense, which is actually good, can shut out the Swamp Tigers.

No. 1 Alabama vs Ole Miss

ESPN propaganda is producing rhetoric that this will be a close game which is bullshit. Ole Miss is horrible and has managed to score a bunch of points against two teams that were easier to run through than a barn with the doors open on both ends. Alabama’s defense is having some breakdowns but has still managed to destroy the hopes and dreams of young men on two shitty teams. And for Christ’s sake, this is Ole Miss, known for sucking in ways most teams can’t imagine, especially on defense, which is slightly better than being imaginary. Tua may throw for so many yards it causes a black hole to form and tear the fabric of the universe, creating an outlet to realities as yet unexplored. What a fucking joke.

No. 4 Ohio State vs. No. 15 TCU

It’s Urban Meyer’s last wrist-slap punishment sit-out for being too busy to realize an assistant coach was beating up his pregnant wife with impunity and taking pictures of his pecker at the White House. It’s interesting to think about a team that wears purple and is named for a poisonous reptile being able to beat a team that is named for a nut on a tree in the midwest, but it’s not going to happen, unless this is the game OSU farts up and loses this year because they do it at least once every season. Probably not.