Well, I’m down to getting abut 100 hits a week on this column, and while I appreciate all those who read the damn thing, I’m considering shifting to a conference call. You could ask questions and I could say, “Shut up, I’m talking.”
Think about it.
Texas A&M at Alabama 3:30 p.m. ET
So Jimbo Fisher and the East Texas School of Petroleum Engineering go to Tuscaloosa to see if they can face doom with manhood and courage, like those half-naked soldiers in that gay-not-gay movie about the 300 Spartans who held off a 10-foot-tall Persian who floats in the air and a few million soldiers dressed like Arabs.
Alabama has nothing in common with Arabs but the end result will probably be the same.
It won’t strike all the psychosexual-paranoiac chords in the post-9/11 paranoid American mindframe that “300” did, but all the Spartans died in a pile.
TAMU lost a close game to Clemson a few weeks back despite Clemson doing everything possible to lose, several times.
So this game will be compared that that game about 2,000 times and here’s what I think about that: Alabama always starts off ahead of everybody else and Clemson starts off like a diesel engine on a frosty morning. I still think Alabama’s better than Clemson this year, and am beginning to think Virginia Tech might even win that shitty league this year.
And you know, that’s about all there is to say. I’m falling asleep thinking about it.
Notre Dame at Wake Forest, Noon ET
This piece of shit will be over before Alabama begins ritual evisceration of The Aggie. But it bears mentioning only in that we are talking about it and Notre Dame is ranked No. 8 and a lot of people think Wake Forest has a chance.
Prediction: It will be a low-scoring ugly game and Notre Dame will win and they’ll make the playoffs if they can continue to do this the rest of the season.
Nebraska at No. 19 Michigan, Noon
A clash of two heralded coaches paid colossal sums to return their broke-dick alma maters to their previous grandeur. Michigan lost to Notre Dame in the opening game and Nebraska got its ass kicked at home by Troy last week.
Troy would beat Notre Dame right now. So this should be a pretty good game.
Clemson at Georgia Tech, 3:30 p.m. ET
Whoo, Georgia Tech is bad. Great God Almighty, they are bad. They are a 16-point home dog to Clemson, and that doesn’t even interest me.
Here’s what I think: Clemson will start playing that kid who looks like Sunshine in “Remember the Titans” and start scoring 70 points a game with a suddenly electric offense triggered by pinpoint passing.
Otherwise, I’m going to clean the gutters this week.
Arkansas at No. 9 Auburn, 7:30 p.m.
Why is Auburn still in the Top 10. Because they aren’t totally awful and everybody else is that bad is my best guess.
Arkansas is horrible. Auburn will probably be able to run the score up on them and keep the illusion of near-competence alive another week.
No. 7 Stanford at No. 20 Oregon, 8 p.m. ET
This has a half a chance to be a decent game. Stanford is overrated, but I like that, because I WANT the best academic school in America to have a top-10 football team. Kiss my ass, Harvard, with your half-assed, slow teams and illuminati alumni pretending to care what happens against Darnell or Kingston or whoever plays in that horse-shit league. Stanford has pretty girls, drunk frat boys, tall pine trees (It’s right there in the name of the town) and can kick your ass in ball or robotics. Go Trees.
Oregon is probably better than No. 20, because there are a lot of teams that are not very good at football. It’s the Pac-12, so they’ll zip up and down the field like a video game. It’s a cool school, too. But those fucking uniforms suck, man. I’m still not on that train.
Lousiana Tech at LSU
In a stunning upset, Louisiana Tech defeats LSU. There, Brian Tynes. Stop.