COUCH POTATO: Crummy day of football watching, but still slightly better than a sharp stick in the eye: Notre Dame, Stanford; Ohio State, Penn State; South Carolina, Kentucky

This edition of Couch Potato is a little late – it’s already game day – but I had a hard time getting motivated to write a column for free this week.

College ball on TV today is like a low-carb, keto-friendly faux German Chocolate cake made with almond flour and avocados compared to a slice of the kind your mama made with the good shit: hand-flaked Baker’s 90-percent cocoa chocolate with four pounds of with cane sugar flown in from New Orleans and that icing she spent all day making out of condensed milk, hand-grated fresh coconut (you crack the shell in the oven) and pecans from the tree in grandma’s yard.

My Type 2 diabetic blood sugar just went to 350 writing that sentence – goddamn it, pancreas, why did you of all organs have to crap out on me? But it tumbles to normal ranges talking about football on TV today – there are three halfway games and they all kick off at the same time. Jeez.

The three decent games are Ohio State at Penn State, Stanford at Notre Dame and South Carolina at Kentucky (yeah, that’s the hottest game in the SEC today.) They all start at 7:30 p.m. ET, the cruelest hour.

Ohio State at Penn State, 7:30 p.m.

Ohio State is a really good football team, transcending the onus of the Big Ten, home of overrated, slowass football teams. The unlikeable Urban Meyer, who has served his wrist slap for allegedly aiding and abetting sexual violence against the wife of one of his assistant coaches and, by inference all women, is back in full flourish on the Buckeye sideline.

I don’t really know how good Penn State is because they did everything but lose to Happy Appy State and then have nothing but stomp shitty teams.

Ohio State showed a few holes in their ugly win over TCU, which is recognizable as an actual football team but nothing to write home about.

Penn State Coach James Franklin, when he was at Vanderbilt and some of his players gang-raped an unconscious woman in a dorm room, seemed to be distressed by the incident and did kick the guys off the team.

I’ll go with Penn State. See why I wasn’t stoked to write this?

Stanford at Notre Dame, 7: 30 p.m.

Stanford looked really stalwart last week, getting pushed around pretty bad by the homestanding Oregon Ducks before mounting a damned impressive comeback.

Look, I’ve said it before, I’m not sold on Notre Dame. I think Stanford is a good football team – not as talented as some, but they do play together and don’t quit.

So yeah, I’ll go with the Trees.

South Carolina at Kentucky, 7:30 p.m.

South Carolina was the preseason darling to contend in the SEC East, and possibly give the hegemonic Georgia Bulldogs a run for their money. Well, nah. In the early season collision of the two, Georgia won 41-17 and made South Carolina like it.

Kentucky has gotten just a little bit better year after year during coach Mark Stoops’ reign. He’s been at Kentucky for six years, which comparatively speaking, is like a dog living about 30 years.

He’s 36-30 in Lexington, which doesn’t look as good as it is – it’s a positive percentage, which is a hard thing to do at a school where fans would rather watch basketball practice than go to the homecoming game.

The Wildcats are off to a 4-0 start, which is different from previous early hot streaks because they have beaten two real football teams – Florida and Mississippi State. Each of them is probably at least as good as South Carolina.

Kentucky continues its march to a national championship with a hard-fought victory.