Couch Potato: Kyler Murray vs. Tua Tagovaiola at noon; LSU at Florida 3.0; Kentucky continues march to national championship

If I get 15 readers again this week, I’m going to just give you all my cell phone number so you can call me and ask what I think about the games this week.

So share this piece of shit with your friends and tell them if they don’t read it you will make them pay back all the money they borrowed.

Alabama at Arkansas, Texas vs. Oklahoma

There’s one reason to get up before noon and mix a bloody Mary – Alabama plays the egregious Arkansas and Oklahoma plays the flaky Texas on the TV machine. Even if you hate all four teams, which most people do, it’ll be a chance to flip back and forth and simultaneously evaluate Bama’s Tua Tagovaiola as compared to Oklahoma’s Tyler Murray, the two best quarterbacks this side the NFL and maybe history.

Tua is playing on the road at Arkansas, which has a pass defense slightly better than nothing. It I were Arkansas’ coach, I’d probably have several bloody Marys then rush 11 and hope Alabama’s receivers all tripped and fell down.

Kyler has been doing about everything a quarterback should do at Oklahoma, following the manic Baker Mayfield with flair and lethality. But he’s been overshadowed by the “holy shit” factor of Tagovaiola, who has kept his punter in shape by making him get up, walk to the sidelines with the rest of the kicking team, then go back and sit on the bench on third down. Tua has thrown three incomplete passes on third down all season and averaged about 20 yards a completion, which is in just about every situation going to be more than enough for a first down.

Kyler is playing in a rivalry game and Texas is looking slightly less like a group of strangers who were kidnapped on Friday night and forced to put on pads and play football the next day. But he’ll probably light them up, unless he doesn’t.

LSU at Florida at 3:30 p.m. ET

Ed Orgeron’s big, ugly team has whipped ass all year, but Florida’s not terrible and strange things happen in Gainesville when the Swamp Tigers visit.

This could give Dan Mullen his signature win at the Gator helm, and if that happens, the LSU faithful will have another drink and start thinking that what they were afraid was going to happen this year is starting to happen.

Indiana at Ohio State, sometime in the mid-afternoon

Indiana is 4-1 and goes to play Ohio State, which came from behind to beat TCU and Penn State, the only two decent teams it’s played. So, could the Hoosier take advantage and surprise … fuck, no. It’s Indiana.

Kentucky at Texas A&M, about dark or so

Kentucky wins ugly and Texas A&M loses pretty, so this should be a classic confrontation of something.

If Texas A&M wins, Jimbo avoids the indignation of losing to Kentucky and that’s about it.

If Kentucky wins, you have to got start thinking the Wildcats are semi-real and will only have to figure out a way to beat Georgia on Nov. 3 (tactical thermonuclear weapons?) to win the SEC East and earn the right to face Tua and the Tide in the championship game.

Is this truly an objective to be desired?

Auburn at Mississippi State, good to watch if you have trouble sleeping

This game offers each team the chance to really suck. Not just halfass suck, but to show the world how it’s done.

Auburn has no offensive line and not much offense at all (join us in prayer for the continued health and well being of Jarret Stidham, bless his heart).

State QB Nick Fitzgerald’s Heisman hopes have really taken a beating this year, seeing as how he has sucked and so have the Bulldogs in every way imaginable.

This should be a low-scoring, hideous game.

Notre Dame at Virginia Tech, good to watch if you wake up and can’t go back to sleep

I have already apologized for saying that Virginia Tech might be able to unseat Clemson as the eternal champions of the weak-ass ACC. That’s not going to happen. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I may have to apologize for saying Notre Dame just isn’t that good, but fattens up on sucky teams and then gets slaughtered when the chips are down.

Probably not.