Couch Potato: Can LSU beat Alabama? Shit, no. And what about Auburn? Well, what about them? And Michigan and Penn State? Two marshmallows in a paper cup.


The College Football Playoff polls came out this week, and they’re total bullshit, of course.

We live in the post-truth world where imaginary caravans of lawless murder-crazed Mexicans and Middle Easterners are taking a 1,500-mile stroll up the shank of Central America to storm Brownsville, Texas and demand free room and board from the U.S. in time to illegally vote for Beto O’Rourke, and LSU vaults Notre Dame into the No. 3 position so the Tigas 8 p.m. ET prime-time on CBS game with No. 1 TuaBama will get better ratings.

The games

Three quality bloody Mary games start the day at noon ET. The secret to a good bloody is Snap-E-Tom chili cocktail mix, for which you have to pay $65 for 24 cans on eBay now because Ortega quit making it several years because it was too good, I guess.  That and celery salt.

 No. 20 Texas A&M at Auburn ESPN, noon ET

Before Texas A&M shit the bed against Mississippi State last week, I’d have picked them without a second thought. Now, I have my doubts because this is a game between two flaky teams.

A&M allowed Mississippi State’s Sasquatch quarterback the run of the field, throwing, passing, pitching, running, high-stepping and beating ass in all ways conceivable. Auburn, meanwhile, beat the hell out of Ole Miss, who I thought might win until I remembered they were Ole Miss. Their NCAA sanctions for crimes against humanity were reduced this week, but I’m not sure if that’s going to help the situation they find themselves in now, which is being a shitty team.

I guess A&M should win, but Gus Malzahn promised God and everybody that the War Damns had regained their footing on the uncertain ground that has been Auburn’s season, adding that they were poised to make a defiant November run like last year’s that made the fans change their minds from wanting to drown him in a toilet into giving him $7 million a year to, you know, continue to flounder around and occasionally look just good enough to let you know the team was underachieving, which is worse than just honestly sucking.

He already got the money and a $39 million buyout so I’m going to guess yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Michigan State at Maryland

Last week Maryland re-instated their coach, who a lot of people felt had a lot to do with the death of one of his players in spring workouts and generally allowing the program to descend into godforsaken, unchecked chaos. There was a lot of public outcry, so on second thought, the administration called him back and said, yeah, you know when we didn’t fire you, well, you’re fired. Meanwhile on Tuesday, the punter and backup punter got into a fistfight and the starter had to go to the hospital with a black eye, stitches and a lot of broken shit. Then a bunch of the other players tweeted that the backup guy started it and was generally a dick, to which he responded, to paraphrase, fuck all those guys in their eyes and ears, I’m awesome and they’re all dicks.

I really like Michigan State’s chances.

3:30 p.m.

Air Force at Army

Army is the best of the service academies this year and they are ranked 41st in the nation, one spot ahead of Auburn. Think about that. These are 19-year-old guys who have to be smart enough to one day soon fly rocket ships or go be generals and shit, but not before getting up every morning in college and making their bed so tight you can bounce a quarter off of it. In addition to that and quite significantly, these Army (and Air Force) kids must possess complete willingness to get shot at, then crawl through the mud and go kill those motherfuckers.

What I’m saying is, West Point is a hard place to recruit to. And they’re ranked ahead of Auburn, and their coach is not making nearly $7 million a year.


No. 6 Georgia at No. 9 Kentucky

East-Division-of-the-SEC contender Kentucky either proves it’s for real or starts the devolution into despair we have all been expecting to happen any week now. The Wildcats can’t throw it from here to the wall, but they do run the hell out of the ball. They play defense, too, unlike all Kentucky teams since Bear Bryant left shortly after the Civil War.

Georgia has been up and down and all around but won, except for a getting that ass kicked on the road at LSU, which makes you think, well, maybe the Bulldogs could screw up and lose this thing.

“Ah,” I thought, “Shit like Georgia losing to Kentucky just doesn’t happen.”

Then I turned on the news and President Donald Trump was getting on Air Force One and I realized, yah, shit like that does happen.

No. 13 West Virginia at No. 17 Texas

The main thing I know about West Virginia is that their fans set their sofas on fire when the team wins big games. I wonder if this one would qualify? Probably not.

All I know about Texas is that they used to be hell on wheels, then Nick Saban beat their ass in the Rose Bowl for the national championship and Mac Brown went into a tailspin until they finally fired him, they tried to hire Saban but he didn’t take the job, and now they’re incrementally getting slightly better.

3:45 p.m.

No. 14 Penn State at No. 5 Michigan

Penn State has been so shitty this year, I don’t know how they’re still ranked No. 14, but you know what? If they do manage to play a decent game for 60 minutes this will be the one, because they’ll totally fuck up the Big Ten, and the Big Ten’s natural state is fucked up.

8 p.m. on CBS

No 1 Alabama (-14) at No. 3 LSU

Well, LSU’s defensive backs had the audacity to say they thought they could match up with Alabama and keep Tua from lighting them up like a forest fire.

All the Alabama fans got all “Oh, yeah! Who do you think you are? You fucking fucks, we’ll kick your ass.” Tua was all, “Oh, they are a fine team and the best we have seen and oh, such a challenge it shall be against a fine accumulation of talent and determination.”

Alabama fans never kick anybody’s ass. They identify so strongly with the football team that they think they do. Alabama fans are, in large part, pretty full of shit.

You know, it was LSU and Ed Orgeron who figured out how to stop Alabama’s offense when nobody else could back when Jalen Hurts was the starting quarterback. They put nine in the box and said, “Throw it, Jalen.”

Jalen beat them anyway, but it did give a lot of coaches with better players the same idea and two of them managed to beat Alabama.

Does Ed have another one up his sleeve? Will he rush three and drop into cover three and … then Tua will hand it off to one of those seven or eight beat-ass tailbacks and yonder they’ll go, boogedy boogedy.

I just don’t think LSU’s offense is good enough to do enough to beat Alabama. I don’t think they’re good enough to cover 14 points, to tell the truth.

I’ve been wrong once or twice.