Couch Potato: Keep reading, Alabama, Auburn and Clemson are near the bottom; all times Eastern and whatever

Noon

No. 10 Ohio State at No. 18 Michigan State

Will Ohio State go ahead and finally die, or will they squeak by these stiffs so they can stick around long enough to beat Michigan and screw up the Big Ten? Something’s wrong with this team, obviously.

Recap: Urban Meyer was investigated, wrist-slapped and semi-suspended just before the season after allowing a known wife-beater to remain on his coaching staff a dozen years or so and lying about it in a formal setting to every reporter that covers the Big Ten.

More recently he has publicly addressed how he suffers from a chronic condition that makes his brain hurt – he had brain surgery back in 2014, and while it’s not serious for brain surgery, there’s no brain surgery that’s not pretty fucking serious. Bless his heart and all, but it does recall how he had chest pains and quit his job as Florida’s head coach after Nick Saban beat his ass in the SEC title game, and it dawned on him that Tim Tebow, along with future convicted mass murderer, suicide, and hell of a tight end Aaron Hernandez and all those other studs were out of eligibility.

That came after Nick Bosa, an OSU legacy and the team’s best defensive player, got a non-season-ending boo-boo and said fuck this shit and quit school so he could get ready for the NFL draft independently of the teammates he left hanging.

Last week, OSU did everything but lose to the egregious Nebraska a week after getting their ass beat by Purdue, which is recognizable as a football team but did lose to Michigan State, today’s Buckeye foe.

Michigan State has two losses – one to actual football team Michigan and one on Sept. 8, when they left the crisp late-summer breezes of East Lansing to play Arizona State in a fucking desert – and here’s hoping they fired whoever scheduled that game.

Ohio State is a 3.5-point favorite. Why? I don’t know.

Navy at No. 12 UCF, Spectrum Stadium, Orlando, ESPN2

If Navy beats these guys and shuts up all the undefeated, defending fake national champions talk, it would be their greatest service to the nation since the SEALS shot bin Laden.

Ole Miss at Texas A&M, Kyle Field, College Station, CBS

Texas A&M’s quarterback has periods of dissonance where he drops back to pass then suddenly stands like a statue and holds the ball as if he had just seen a UFO. The other team tackles him and life goes on a little bit worse than before.

After barely losing to Clemson and losing pretty at Alabama, the poor Aggies have been victimized by teams needing to get well this year – Mississippi State stomped them after a four-game losing skid and Auburn came back to win last week and probably saved Gus Malzahn’s job, for better or worse.

But I still think the Aggies will beat Ole Miss, which is plagued by being awful.

Vanderbilt at Missouri, Faurot Field, Columbia, MO, SEC Network

Vandy has five losses and Missouri has four after surprisingly beating the shit out of Florida last week, so the Commies need to win out to earn a bid to a shitty bowl and get a few extra weeks of practice to develop players and stuff. Vandy almost beat Notre Dame back in September, when they could have spared us the illusion of Fighting Irish competence, but they didn’t, so damn them for that.

Mizzou beat Purdue, terror of the Big Ten, and has a good quarterback, so the Sons of Truman could win out and get a bid to a decent bowl that might even pay them enough to cover travel costs and meals. Missouri is pretty good, really. They only lost 39-10 to Alabama in Tuscaloosa, losing by 29, the same number of points as LSU, which was ranked No. 3 in the nation and played Bama after dark in fearsome Baton Rouge. Because 29 – 0 = 29.

3:30 p.m.

No. 16 Mississippi State at No. 1 Alabama, 3:30 p.m. Bryant-Denny Stadium, Tuscaloosa, CBS

Will Alabama suffer a letdown after last week’s big win over LSU? Will they relax, having clinched a berth in the SEC Championship Game?

That’ll be the fucking day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mississippi State scores. But win? Nah.

These guys managed just a field goal against LSU’s pretty good defense, which got run ragged by Alabama, and they gave up 19 more points to the Swamp Tigers than Bama did, because 19 + 0 = 19.

The over-under is like, 54, which is coverable, considering that Alabama could score that many in the first half if Tua doesn’t re-injure his tender knee. However, the Bulldogs have a fairly decent defensive line, and they’re just the kind of team that would hurt your quarterback a month before he goes to New York to pick up his Heisman.

Hearkening back to Tua’s knee, Alabama is dinged up, which seems to happen every November since Saban beats the shit out of his team to make them tough, which works but sometimes backfires.

Last year, they lost 212 linebackers to injury which led to a scary 31-24 win over State in Starkville and a convincing loss at Auburn compounded by Tua still sitting on the bench watching Jalen Hurts run right and throw the ball out of bounds approximately every offensive snap in the second half.

Speaking of Jalen, who is the second-best quarterback in the SEC, he’s hurt, too. He’s got a high ankle sprain, which is a weird injury and takes forever to get well.

Alabama’s got the best OL in the nation, the best stable of running backs and the best group of wide receivers, but third-string quarterback Mac Jones is a nice boy and his mama loves him, but that’s about it.

No. 11 Kentucky at Tennessee, Neyland Stadium, Knoxville, SEC Network

Kentucky fans hate Tennessee, which is no surprise. Tennessee leads the world in arch-rivals, but that distinction has waned a bit since they’ve sucked for a few generations.

As we’ve noted before, Tennessee has an actual football coach in place now, who has not quite managed to make a silk purse out of the sow’s ear he inherited, but he has made a sort of a purse.

Kentucky got hammered by Georgia last week, as anticipated. And they played hard and all that shit, but the fact remains they can’t throw, which you just have to be able to do every now and then, whether you want to or not.

If Kentucky loses this one, they can win out and have three losses, still go to a pretty good bowl game and lose to a Big Ten team or something. But with a win, they could become the flagship of Kentucky sports, since the basketball team got poleaxed 118-84 by Duke last Tuesday, the only blue wave that happened that night.

The Vols play Missouri and Vanderbilt after this one, so losing out is a distinct possibility, and winning one of those three is a big goal of the Big Orange on the road to becoming better than awful sooner than later.

7 p.m.

No. 24 Auburn at No. 5 GeorgiaSanford Stadium, Athens, GA, ESPN

The Auburn powers announced earlier this week that Gus Malzahn’s job is secure, come what may. That could mean they have faith in his ability to win next year with even less talent than he has now, or that Mike Leach won’t return their calls.

If anybody owes Auburn an ass-beating, it’s … well, it’s Alabama, week after next. Georgia swung the hammer of righteous revenge for last year’s regular-season beatdown in the SEC Championship Game last year.

But the Dawgs hate the War Damns in general, and really need to finish strong to make the SEC Championship Game against Alabama anything more than an all-expenses-paid trip to Atlanta.

And now that Gus knows he gets to keep his $7 million a year job, Georgia is probably going to score a hundred.

8 p.m.

No. 2 Clemson at No. 17 Boston CollegeAlumni Stadium, Chestnut Hill, MA, ABC

Clemson is scoring a lot of points, running the ball like thunder and blocking and tackling and all that shit really well. They beat Louisville 77-16 last week, which isn’t that big of an achievement. Ditto the previous week’s defeat of Florida State by many points to few. Ditto beating everybody else in the godawful ACC.

Clem will probably beat the snot out of Boston College this week because the Orange Tigers have a really good defense and Boston College doesn’t have any defense to speak of.

There’s nobody left on the schedule who can give Clemson a ball game, which is a testament to the ineptitude of the ACC as much as it is to the greatness of the Tigers.

But Clemson is definitely the only team out there right now that could play with Alabama. It’ll probably happen in the title game, the fourth straight meeting of the two Southern grid giants in the …. sorry, I fell asleep there for a second. The College Football Playoffs.

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