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COUCH POTATO: WOOT! WOOT! ATTENTION, ATTENTION! LOUISIANA TECH AT TEXAS GAME BECAUSE LA TECH GRAD BRIAN TYNES IS BITCHING!!!!!

Louisiana Tech travels to Austin, Texas today to be hurled into the yearning maw of resurgent Texas Longhorn football like a blood sacrifice into a bubbling volcano primed to erupt after years of dormancy.

The Longhorns have not yet won a season opener under coach Tom Herman, who has rebuilt the toppled Texas program into something resembling a pretty good football team. The inevitability of that issue’s resolution should be pitilessly apparent by early in the first period.

The Longhorns are talented and deep, but have to replace a lot of experience on an offense that began to blossom last year under the ebullient whip hand of quarterback Sam Ehlinger, who is a little bit psycho but in a good, Texas sort of way. Today’s opponent is just what the doctor ordered to blood the young warriors and allow them to graw on the skulls of the hapless Louisianans, who’ll pick up a six-figure guarantee check for their public humiliation.

Take Texas, give the points, bet the over, and don’t let the children in the room to watch this PG-13 slaughter if you can figure out where to find it on the fathomless World Wide Web, since this isn’t the kind of game that usually gets wide distribution for the same reason that in this delicate age, the fainthearted don’t go out in the front yard and slaughter their own pigs to make bacon for breakfast.