COUCH POTATO COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 8: Yeah, OK, it’s Saturday so let’s all turn on the TV and waller like hogs while giant young men in plastic armor collide

9 Florida at South Carolina noon, ESPN

South Carolina, the team that turned Kirby Smart into Marc Richt 2.0, hosts Florida, which hung with LSU for a while until QB Kyle Trask suddenly started accidentally throwing the ball to the wrong team at the most inopportune times possible. The Gators’ defense is a little dinged up, but not as bad as you’d expect after getting run over, under and through by LSU. South Carolina’s quarterback hurt a knee against Georgia, but they evidently did OK without him. He’ll be back this afternoon, if you care, and will continue to play unless Florida beats him up, which they often to to quarterbacks who aren’t Joe Burrow. He kicks their ass. The Gamecocks’ defense ruined Jake Fromm’s career last week and dropped him from an NFL project into a future high school coach, so God only knows what they will do to poor Trask. Coach Boom is cute but a little bit psycho, and he can coach the hell out of defense.

11 Auburn at Arkansas, noon, SEC Network

Auburn gets a chance at something resembling redemption after turning into a pumpkin two weeks ago at Florida. There’s probably a better word than redemption, I just can’t think of it right now, but one does not redeem in the grandest sense against Arkansas, which is just wretched this year. Auburn is about a 20-point favorite, which sounds about right.

12 Oregon at 25 Washington, 3:30 p.m., ABC

Here’s a great game to watch if you want to see the two best teams in the West face off, which is a little like attending a concert featuring the two best piccolo players in Montana play polkas. I’m sorry this isn’t funnier, but I didn’t get much sleep last night because I ate Vienna sausages, which so help me God, I will never do again.

2 LSU at Mississippi State, 3: 30 p.m., CBS

LSU will poun Mississippi State into whatever repugnant slime they make Vienna sausages out of.

16 Michigan at 7 Penn State, 7:30 pm., ABC

Here’s an outstanding opportunity for Jim Harbaugh to underachieve at the highest level on national TV. Penn State looks like an actual football team this year, a rare thing in Big Ten. I expect the Nittany Lions will run rampant in the coming weeks, setting the scene for a big showdown against Ohio State, led by the electrifying quarterback Kirby Smart ran off to keep Jake Fromm, the Vienna sausage of SEC quarterbacks.

Tennessee at 1 Alabama, 9 p.m., ESPN

There was a time many years ago when the Tennessee-Alabama game was a great reckoning between two southern powers with legendary coaches. Then all the wooly mammoths died after the glaciers receded and now it’s a contest to see how much hell Nick Saban can beat out of another former assistant who got a head coaching job he wasn’t ready for. The only cool thing about this stinker is that Alabama is finally at home in the dark and will get to unveil its multi-million dollar LED lights that flash red and blue and, one assumes, purple if they turn on the red and blue lights at the same time. The lights flicker like a disco ball – and I have to wonder, that stadium holds around 102, 000 people, and in that cohort, wouldn’t you think there’d be at least one person with epilepsy who could have a seizure while beneath the throbbing illumination Bama fans roar F-bombs to the tune of “Dixieland Delight?”