COUCH POTATO WEEK 9 GAME DAY: Offense wins championships and sells tickets, defense is there to allow the offense to talk to their coaches a few minutes while the other team scores

Wisconsin at Ohio State and Auburn at LSU – defensive teams head like lambs to the slaughter in the new world of college ball

Today, we see the last two teams in America that even try to play defense taking on two of the best offensive teams since the Big Bang, playing on their home fields.

Wisconsin goes to Ohio State, and Auburn goes to LSU.

Wisconsin hurt me so bad, losing to Illinois. I had bragged on the Badger, getting those old-school unis muddy and blood-stained, tackling people and all, just like the olden days. Then they shit the bed. Illinois ran up and down the field like velociraptors on meth, and they kicked a last-second field goal and everything.

Ohio State will kill them.

Auburn will field what will be the last remaining decent defense to be faced by the rampaging Tigers of the Louisiana swamplands. Florida had a good defense. Joe Burrow shredded their ass and hung 42 on them, but got a big boost from the other quarterback, that Trask kid, accidentally throwing the ball to LSU guys.

Auburn has a great front four. So good that they really haven’t blitzed much, because the fat boys with high numbers do such a good job of winning the line of scrimmage and pressuring the quarterback, because they run like bats out of Hell. You know what I bet? I bet they blitz some today and say “There’s six of us and five of you, see what you can do with this.”

Because LSU has really good receivers, and they like to send everybody long. Auburn’s safeties will not be able to cover them one-on-one. So the front seven has got to put some heat on Burrow.

Auburn has a flaky offense, but LSU’s defense kind of sucks, which creates an atmosphere in which the War Eagle might thrive. Bo Nix, 12-year-old quarterback, with his baby face and agile athleticism, would be a good choice to play Spiderman in the next movie. He looks the part, and would probably be better than the regular guy. Bo, like child actors and young quarterback the word over, operates on confidence, momentum, sheer talent, and running around dodging defensive linemen until somebody gets open – a style of play that could really work against LSU. If he could complete a few passes early, if the running backs could you know, just get a few first downs on third-and-short and things like that, if they could score a few, maybe even take the lead. If Nix struggles like he did in the loss to Florida, start recruiting early.

Because Auburn is playing with a strong sense of desperation. WIth one conference loss, if they lose this one, they’re playing for fun the rest of the year. Also Auburn’s fans have the sort of relationship with Gus Malzahn kind of like largemouth bass have with wounded shad. They attack and eat them. Gus will be a wounded shad if he loses to LSU here with Georgia and the Crimson Tide remaining on the sked.

I don’t really think Auburn will win. But I bet they cover that 11.5-point spread.