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COUCH POTATO’S COLLEGE FOOTBALL SUNDAY REVIEW, Sept. 8, 2019 – Will Florida be better with the backup QB?

Will backup QB Trask make Florida more consistent?

Poor Felipe Frank mangled his ankle against Kentucky when two 300-pound Wildcats scissored him at high speed and and his right ankle went one way and he went the other. It was horrible to watch, and harder to watch was our boy, the high-strung, emotional, hard-trying, inconsistent, water-and-gasoline Felipe in obvious pain, wiping tears from his red face with a towel trying to put on a tough-guy face and give his team a thumbs up as trainers toted him off the field on a stretcher with an air cast on his foot. He’s gone for this season, off to long months of rehab and long years of grinding pain. Dislocated ankles as bad as that one looked are a bitch – you do get better but you don’t get well.

But then, what do you know, here came Kyle Trask, perhaps the only good second-string quarterback in America who didn’t hurl himself into the transfer portal and teleport to a program far, far away. He settled the Gators down and paced an 11-point, comeback win over Kentucky, who was playing with their backup quarterback after a horrid injury to their starter. The Wildcats missed a makable field goal with 54 seconds left to pull out the defeat, then Florida tacked on a decorative touchdown on a long play in the waning seconds.

All in all, it was an exciting game and we learned a lot of stuff. Kentucky’s a program, and won’t die easy this year – they’d have won if their kicker could have poked the ball about a foot to the right so it went between the uprights instead of sailing harmlessly by the upright, leaving Florida’s then 22-21 lead intact.

I think it’s safe to say that Florida is one of those emerging teams that has some talent sprinkled throughout, but makes up for lack of talent by playing ugly. They drag you down into their swampy comfort zone and cheerfully beat you wallering in the mud, biting reptiles, stinging bugs, brain-eating amoebas and general hideousness.

Trask, a redshirt junior who has graduated and could have gone anywhere else to play, may be a steadying influence. If nothing else, he loves being a Gator, or else he’d be long gone.

If he doesn’t try to do too much, gets the ball to the guys around him who can go with it, and the offensive line steps up its game just a touch, the offense could come together enough to be a big, old ugly team that can’t do anything right but beat you.. The defense was always semi-good, in a scattered, sputtering, fail-and-recover sort of way.

The Gators, 3-0 now with a conference win, look more like a spoiler than a contender this year. But we’ll know more next week when Tennessee comes to Gainesville.

The Vols finally got a win – 45-0 over Chattanooga, which wasn’t much of a team. But when you’re stuck in the kind of nightmare tailspin the Big Orange was in, it doesn’t matter how you come out of it. That victory does not mean there aren’t a few hundred thousand Vols fans who didn’t read that demented column last week suggesting that Athletic Director Phil Fulmer fire head coach Jeremy Pruitt and take over himself to lead the Vols back to the towering heights attained under his leadership before, you know, everything went to shit.

Is Auburn’s offense starting to show up?

It’s hard to tell a lot about how Auburn performed against Kent State, who didn’t put up much of a fight.

Auburn’s defense has been the strength of the team, buying time for the offense to catch up.

But the Golden Flashes caused a moment of discord when quarterback Dustin Crum gashed the Tigers secondary with a 53-yard scoring pass. A lot of people were suddenly thinking, Oh, Lord, if this guy can do that what are Joe Burrow, Jake Fromm and Tua do?

The Tigers ran the ball the best they have all year. Baby Bo got more work under center and gets smoother all the time. They piled up more than 600 yards – but again, it was, like, you know, Kent State.

We’ll find out Saturday when AU goes to Texas A&M, which has a lot to prove after laying an egg at Clemson – even though Clemson had a lot to do with that.

It’s a big game. If Auburn wins, Texas A&M is playing for funsies. If Auburn loses, the Tigers will be behind the eight-ball from here on out.

And they’re young and growing and all that – except for the OL, which is mature and just not real good, but the feeling so far is that Auburn’s offense has been wobbling along at high speed like a car racing down the interstate with a loose wheel. You’re just waiting for those lugs to pop off.

Is Alabama that good? Is Clemson?

Yeah, yeah, they are. It’s just that we expect them to be flawless and destroy all that dares stand before them.

Alabama’s offensive line still looks sketchy at times – though it did show signs of stabilization after a miserable first quarter against South Carolina. Then Tua got uncrunk and here he went again, 444 yards and four touchdowns like it was nothing.

The defense got beat a few times by … South Carolina … and that makes you wonder what it’ll do against better teams with actually hellacious offenses. But let’s face it – Alabama’s schedule is cake. Ole Miss, Arkansas and Tennessee are awful, and Mississippi State was pitiful losing at home to Kansas State. A trip to Texas A&M on Oct. 10 is nothing to look past, but it’s not as ominous as it once was. LSU, way up there on Nov. 11 should be a dilly, but it’s at Tuscaloosa and if Alabama hasn’t worked the kinks out by then, it’s not going to. Auburn has a good defense – and if the offense catches up and builds come confidence the regular-season finale in Auburn could be a bitch. But if Auburn loses a few games and the offense sputters, they’ll be done for by late November.

Clemson’s waltz to the postseason is even easier. There’s not a team on their schedule they shouldn’t stomp.

Alabama will have to get past Georgia, probably, in the SEC title game if all goes as expected, and the Dawgs look damn good. That Jake Fromm is a smooth operator. He just calmly drops back into the pocket and murders you, and those two running backs are horror shows. The defense is hellish.

There seem to be a lot more pretty good teams this year. Oklahoma, Ohio State, and Wisconsin are all scary, and could beat anybody on a good day. Maybe even any day.

But it still looks like Clemson, Bama and Georgia in that order again this year – if nobody gets hurt, which has a bad habit of happening. Oh, and if LSU keeps torching defenses and smushing opposing offenses, put them in the mix, too.

COUCH POTATO: College football Week 3, Sept. 14, 2019 A few halfway-decent games to watch instead of mowing the grass

Arkansas State at Georgia, ESPN2, Noon ET

Were you the kind of wicked little child who on hot, summer days enjoyed getting a magnifying glass and vaporizing entire ant beds by focusing searing light on the helpless insects? If you were, you might tune in to this game. It’ll be in the high 90s in Athens, Ga. and the searing southern sun will beat down on Georgia beating down on the Red Wolves in another game of the sort that should be legislated out of existence.

Hate to say it, but Nick Saban is right, again, and damn it, he usually is. The Power 5 schools should be mandated to play five games against other Power 5 or Group of 5 schools. It’s got to be a rule because nobody’s going to do it unless you make them because these days, you can lose two games by 1 point on a safety on a bad call on the last play of the game, and you go to the Peach Bowl instead of the College Football Playoffs.

A few good teams could work UCF into the schedule, because I’m about to buy their propaganda that they are the best team in Florida because the other ones aren’t so hot and the Knights beat the snot out of everybody. But is Georgia going to invite them up to Athens to bake in the blistering sun and run the risk of losing? Is Alabama going to play Penn State? Nope. Because those guys at Alabama and Georgia aren’t dopes.

Alabama at South Carolina, 3:30 p.m., CBS

This could have been almost interesting if South Carolina didn’t lose their starting quarterback in the first game, a loss to North Carolina. They don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Columbia, S.C. as it is.

Bama’s a 25.5-point favorite, which is likely to be eclipsed, I’d think, unless Tua gets hurt. He’s delicate, like his passing touch, when the ball floats beautiful and straight, like a feather pillow, into the fingers of the streaking Jerry Jeudy. He’s a wonder to behold, but I always fear that he’ll shatter like a clay pigeon in a cloud of birdshot if a defensive end gets a clean shot at him. And the way the OL has been playing, that’s possible.

Like a lot of Bama fans and gamblers, I have these recurring dreams, where Tua goes down and the trainers help him off the field, and instead of Jalen Hurts, Mac Jones buckles up his chinstrap. I wake up in a cold sweat, then realize it was only a dream, but just in case I’ve developed precognative powers, I log onto BoDog at 3 a.m. and put a buck on the other team to cover and a quarter on Jalen to win the Heisman.

What the hell do you say about about this game? Tua needs 300 passing and three or four TDs to stay in the Heisman running. It’ll be interesting to see if Alabama’s offensive line and defense have gotten any better, which they’re bound to do sooner or later, but not yet.

As far as saying anything about South Carolina – well, the new quarterback is doing all right, I guess. Bowl bid good? We’ll see.

Stanford at UCF, 3:30 p.m., WatchESPN

If you want to fool around with your computer to see this game on WatchESPN, it might be worth it to determine if UCF is the best college football team in Florida. I think they are, right now. They’re pretty good, and so far, everybody else is sketchy at best.

Well, Florida is sketchy, with a decent chance of turning things around, and today’s game against Kentucky will tell a lot. Florida State and Miami are awful. Miami might improve. Florida State is done like dinner.

Stanford has looked awful this season. Why on earth they’d agree to fly to Orlando to play this band of cutthroats in the middle of hurricane season is beyond me.

Florida at Kentucky, 7 p.m., ESPN

This one was going to be be so good. Then kickass Kentucky quarterback Terry Wilson got hurt and can’t play the rest of the season, placing the Wildcats’ 1-game win streak over Florida in jeopardy.

Taking over is Sawyer Smith, a transfer from Troy, who has a cool name and threw for about 1,700 yards last year. I don’t know if he’s any good, but if he were better than Wilson, he’d have started. He was the starter at Troy last year because their starting guy got hurt in the Liberty game and he took over. If he were still at Troy, he’s be running a solid fourth string, so take Florida and give the points.

Florida’s long string of mediocre quarterbacks seems to be continuing with Felipe Franks, the returning starter I thought was going to be really good this year. He wound up last season playing very well, then he’s been flaky as grandma’s biscuits so far this season. He may turn things around any minute now – and this week would be a good time to do it. Or maybe he’ll fall down and throw it to the wrong team and stuff.

Oklahoma at UCLA, 8 p.m., FOX

This should be ruthless. The odds on UCLA coach Chip Kelly getting fired this year are 30-1, which might be a pretty good bet. He’s still showing up for the games as we speak, but I wouln’t be surprised if he started staying home and watching on TV, talking to his assistants on the cell, and checking occasionally to see if the check is still being auto-deposited.

The Bruins are off to a 0-2 start, bringing Kelly’s record there to 3-11, and it’s not like there were any moral victories in that pile of smoking ruin.

Oklahoma’s offense is smoking, and the defense shows up just long enough to earn a letter jacket at the end of the year. But UCLA doesn’t have the firepower to exploit any weaknesses the Sooners have.

It’ll be fun to watch because Jalen Hurts is exciting, unshackled in Lincoln Riley’s swirling offense. Will he get 600 yards? Probably not, but maybe.

I don’t know what the line is, but take Oklahoma and the over.

Coach Potato: OK, damn it, the College Football Playoff is here: Win or Go Home, bitches

I’ve been watching TV about the Alabama – Oklahoma game and I guess Kyler Murray has never been tackled in his life.

Looking at Oklahoma’s stats this year, I guess that could be true. I haven’t been able to find any pictures of the small, elusive quarterback taking a solid lick, and he does play in the Big 12, where they play defense only because it’s required.

He’s a world-class centerfielder playing quarterback, he was drafted in the first round by the Oakland As and got a few mil, but decided to play quarterback anyway, and he won the Heisman Trophy. He averaged 500 yards a game.

But he’s little. He’s listed on the roster at 5-11, 195 and I don’t buy it.

Dwayne Haskins, 6-foot-3; Kyler Murray 5-11; Tua Tagavaiola, 6-1

Here’s a picture of him standing between the two other Heisman finalists. Dwayne, over there on the left, goes 6-3, and Tua, on the right, is 6-1, and the two big boys weigh about 220. I’m going to say they both look like they outweigh him by more than 25, but it’s hard to tell when guys are wearing suits. But y’all, that guy is about 5-8. That would make Tua 5 inches taller, and Dwayne 7 inches taller. Look closely – he comes up to about the middle of Tua’s nose, and Dwayne could eat a doughnut off his head.

He’s definitely a blue streak and runs an honest-to-god 4.4 40-yard-dash. That’s faster than most wide receivers and all quarterbacks except Michael Vick. He’s got a good enough arm to throw out Trea Turner tagging up after a line drive to deep center.

But I’ve got a feeling that one of those creatures on the Alabama defense who weigh about 270 pounds and run a 4.8 could get an angle on him break him in two. Dylan Moses could spy him and meet him head on after a gain of about two, or Quinnen Williams could beat that freshman center and get in the backfield and say BOOM. At which point, Kyler’s agent may come running onto the field with an armful of bubble wrap.

And I think Alabama will win because they have a defense and Oklahoma doesn’t. Alabama’s defense gets a little confused sometimes and gives up big plays, but Oklahoma’s defense gives up big plays when they all know what they are doing.

Also, Alabama’s guys are mad because Kyler beat Tua in the Heisman. Tua played most of the season hurt.

Maybe they’d like to see how Kyler does after his head bounces off the ground a few times.

Alabama could lose this game, but I’d be really surprised.

Notre Dame vs. Clemson

All the gamblers are loading up on Notre Dame, and the line dropped from 14 to 12. Sometimes lines drop because smart money comes in, and sometimes they drop because a lot of stupid people bet more than a few smart ones.

The few times I have seen Notre Dame play I have been stunned by how slow they are. That is a bad thing to be against Clemson, who is really fast.

I’m sorry, I just think Clemson is going to beat these guys unmercifully. I know you all hope I’m wrong, but how often does that happen, really?

Couch Potato: OK, so you’re the CFP Committee, what do you do? Who gets in? Who gets screwed?

Georgia kicked Alabama’s ass for 58 minutes and 54 seconds before second-team quarterback Jalen Hurts, in for a busted-up Tua Tagavaiola, ran that winning touchdown in and ascended into Bama Heaven borne on the wings of an angel chorus singing OOOOoooooOOOOOO!

Alabama’s undefeated. They played some cakes along the way but with two hurt quarterbacks and their best defensive back on the sideline they mowed through the last four games of the season and in their wake left broken enemy warriors weeping by the waters of Babylon.

They’re in. Still No. 1.

Clemson and their freshman quarterback Trevor Lawrence, who looks exactly like Sunshine in “Remember The Titans,” stomped Pittsburgh’s guts out and ate them, as anticipated. Could you make a case for Clemson to jump Alabama to the No. 1 slot? The ACC is a clown conference of stiffs and guys who play football because they weren’t tall enough to make the basketball team, so no.

Clemson’s in, No. 2

Georgia played an all but flawless game and would have probably won if not for the dumbest call in the history of football, a fourth-quarter fake punt on fourth-and-11 with the score tied that miraculously gained 2 yards instead of being stoned in the backfield because Alabama saw it coming and blew it up. Jake Fromm played his best game and looked better than the two guys who are going to finish first and second in the Heisman voting – Tua and Kyler Murray. Would you watch these two teams in a rematch? I would. 

Screw it. Georgia’s in, at No. 3, jumping Notre Dame because Notre Dame is slow as smoke off of shit and should be playing UCF in the Astro Bluebonnet Bowl.

But Notre Dame’s in at No. 4 because they’re Notre Dame and nobody else is.

Oklahoma doesn’t make it because their defense is godawful. Ohio State doesn’t make it because their defense is godawful, too. It’s not like their defenses take a lot of chances, give up some big plays but make a lot of interceptions and fumbles and sacks and force the game into the breakneck pace that favors their outstanding offenses. No. Their defenses just suck and suck defenses don’t get in the playoffs because Alabama will score 70 on you with two well quarterbacks and a month to get ready.

There are my picks. What are yours?

Couch Potato: Championship weekend – Oklahoma vs. Texas and Bama vs. Georgia only ones that matter

Championship weekend would be a lot more exciting if the games weren’t meaningless. Well, except for two, which might affect seeding. 

If things shake out the way everybody thinks it will, Alabama will beat Georgia and Oklahoma will beat Texas, which means we’ll have the battle of the electrifying quarterbacks Tua Tagovailoa vs. Kyler Murray in the opening round. Good. Maybe a few people will watch it, which has been a bit of a problem for the College Football Playoffs. 

The viewership of the CFP hasn’t been as colossal as ESPN hoped when it signed a 12-year contract for seventy jillion pillion dollars. People aren’t watching TV as much as they used to because the Internet is destroying the world, and college football fans tend to watch their team with ardor and ignore any other team that they haven’t laid a bet on. 

That’s why we won’t be having an eight-team playoff until they figure out how to make it rain. That, and have eight teams that deserve to be there. 

If Georgia wins, Alabama and Georgia will both go to the playoffs and Oklahoma gets screwed, and so will the advertisers who bought time on the semifinal broadcasts. Ohio State is probably going to get screwed no matter what because Notre Dame went undefeated against a cake schedule, and Notre Dame is Notre Dame and they’re not. 

Anyhow. Whatever. Here we go.  

Big 12, Oklahoma vs. Texas, noon on ABC 

The only reason this game isn’t a yawn is because Texas somehow beat Oklahoma 48-45 during the regular season, which goes to show it can be done.  

Texas is weird this season and Oklahoma scores billions and plays no defense at all. The teams hate each other, which always improves watchability.  

Kyler Murray is amazing and fun to watch, but he’s listed at 5-foot-11 in the program and is probably more like 5-9, which means if he goes to the NFL he’ll be a punt returner. 

Sun Belt, Louisiana-Lafayette at Appalachian State noon on ESPN 

Lafayette, Louisiana is one of the greatest towns to eat in that ever was if you like fried food and gumbo, which I do. Boone, NC, is really pretty with mountains and trees and stuff.  

That is all I know about these teams. 

AAC, UCF vs. Memphis, 3:30 p.m. on ABC 

UCF lost its quarterback last week to a pretty grim-looking knee injury, and the new guy is a good runner but doesn’t pass as well. Memphis only lost 31-30 to these guys earlier in the year and could ruin a perfect season and incessant talk of fake national championships and deserving a berth in the playoffs. I have yet to meet an Alabama fan who is not fully in favor of UCF earning the right to challenge the Crimson Tide in the first round of the playoffs, which should tell you something. Memphis got beat by Navy and slaughtered by Tulane, so I gotta think UCF’s got a chance even with McKenzie Milton on crutches. 

SEC, Alabama vs. Georgia, 4 p.m. on CBS 

The one thing I see in Georgia’s favor is that there’s a close-to-unanimous consensus that Alabama will beat the hell out of them, and when that happens, a lot of the time the underdog wins. However, I’ve felt that way about Alabama’s games with LSU, Mississippi State and Auburn, and Alabama beat the hell out of all of them. Nevertheless, Georgia has an elite defense, even if it did give up 36 points to LSU, whom Alabama shut out. The Dawgs also have an excellent running game and Alabama has been less dominant against the run than usual – even underachieving Auburn had a 75-yard TD against them only it was called back by a holding penalty because of course it was. If Georgia can establish the run, make first downs, keep Tua off the field and score about 38 points … yeah, sure. 

ACC, Clemson vs. Pittsburgh, 8 p.m. on ABC 

OK, last week Clemson looked so shitty against South Carolina that Dabo got mad at fans who said so and acted like he might leave and go somewhere he would be better appreciated. Within hours, Auburn started negotiating a cheaper buyout for Gus Malzahn if he wants to keep his job, which would be the dumbest financial decision ever made if Gus signs that piece of paper. Oh, I can have $32 million now and never have to work again, or I can keep my $7 million job another year if I take less than $32 million if you fire me next year after I lose all my best players? Sure! (Pro tip: Take the $32 million and go somewhere you don’t have to play Nick Saban every year). I don’t think Dabo will go to Auburn, but I never thought we’d be getting ready to send people to Mars in a few years, either, so I guess anything’s possible. Except Pittsburgh beating Clemson. Pittsburgh’s just fucking awful.

Northwestern vs. Ohio State, 8 p.m. on Fox 

Ordinarily, I’d say Northwestern and snowballs in Hell have a lot in common against Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game. But the Buckeyes are so flaky, it wouldn’t surprise me if they lost,  which would make Rose Bowl officials start playing Russian roulette with a full clip and one in the pipe because Northwestern has about 43 fans. But OSU looked good last week exposing Michigan as a big, slow team that played a weak schedule, and with a convincing win today would probably back into the playoffs if Texas could beat Oklahoma. The last time OSU backed into the playoffs against Alabama, they upset the heavily favored Tide and went on to win the national title. Past performance is no indication of future results.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COUCH POTATO: That Week 2 was a helluva Week. Here’s what we learned.

There are about a half-dozen teams that are really good right now. There are a few more with a chance to be. Here’s part 1 of Couch Potato’s piercing analysis.

LSU has adapted. The SEC – and the world – just got more complicated

LSU went to Austin and beat the hell out of Texas, yet another ripple in the rising tide of parity in college football.

LSU gave up 38 points and still beat Texas because quarterback Joe Burrow was so hot he contributed to global warming. He hit 31-of-39 passes for 470 yards and four touchdowns, Justin Jefferson caught nine balls for 163 yards, and two other guys totaled more than 100 yards in receptions, which had never happened before in LSU history.

LSU has an offense, and God have mercy on the land. Right now, LSU can beat anybody.

They will get to prove this from Oct. 12 to Nov. 11 when they play, in sequence, Florida, Mississippi State, Auburn and Alabama. Florida and Auburn will be at home. Both have looked flaky, and both may have gone South by then, or they may be streaking badasses with burgeoning confidence. Because that’s the kind of teams they are.

Alabama slaughtered a terrible team, so it’s hard to tell much, but something doesn’t seem right

Tua completed 16-of-24 passes for 227 yards and 3 TDs, which sounds pretty good, but it was New Mexico State and Tua seemed a little off. He wasn’t as lethally accurate as he usually is and many of those yards have to do with Jerry Jeudy being able to get open against anybody and do pretty much as he pleases once he catches the ball, which he does if he’s between the sidelines and sometimes when he’s not.

The offensive line doesn’t look just right. The running game is not crisp. The defense is all right – just all right. They really miss those two starters at inside linebacker, though the young freshmen taking their places do mix it up. The secondary seems better than last year. Last year, it sucked.

It was 103 degrees on the field and the foe was New Mexico State, so, what can you say? That’d sap anybody’s will to live, I guess.

But that kicker, though. Alabama has a kicker who can make field goals. And extra points. This is exciting.

Tennessee is done

Right now, there are two teams left on Tennessee’s schedule it can beat. Chattanooga next Saturday, and UAB in November.

This is a bad team, but it’s a bad team with something wrong. I don’t know what it is, but Tennessee causes a disturbance in the force when they waller around the way they do. It’s more than players and coaches. It’s something that makes an old sports writer’s neck tingle, like Spidey sense. It’s like a cold breeze on a hot day that chills to the bone. It’s … evil spirits. Imbalance in the world and community psyche. I just shake my head and say, “Yeah, soon we’ll know. It’ll blow up. But not just yet.”

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COLLEGE FOOTBALL COUCH POTATO PART II WEEK 2: Cincy at OSU, LSU at Texas, a bunch of transfer quarterbacks and some other junk

Games of Sept. 7, 2019

Cincinnati at Ohio State, Noon ET ABC

Ohio State should beat Cincinnati unless something goes terribly weird. Not that weird is never a way something sometimes goes.

Cincinnati beat UCLA last week 24-14 and that’s supposed to impress us. But I watched the game, and, no. UCLA is godawful and Cincinnati is not too godawful, so things went down about the way one would expect. UCLA Coach Chip Kelly, once the toast of ball, has apparently fallen into the category of coaches who got rich by getting fired and is coasting his way through this UCLA gig, swimming pools, movie stars. 

Ohio State is led by quarterback Justin Fields, who transferred from Georgia because he couldn’t beat out Jake Fromm and was going to spend another year on the bench in Athens. He also said some baseball player called him a racial slur, which created an unanticipated hostile environment (in Georgia, he didn’t suspect there might be a few like that? Hint 1: There’s a 400-foot-tall carving of Gen. Robert E. Lee and some other gigantic official Confederate mucky mucks on the side of Stone Mountain in Atlanta, and Lester Maddox is from here – google him.).

But it worked, and the NCAA granted an exemption to let him play without sitting out a year, which is great for him and for Joe Burrows, who graduated from tOSU, got the hell out of Columbus, went to Baton Rouge, will start for LSU again this year.

Fields played in spots for Georgia last season, wasting a year of eligibility doing stuff like getting tackled miles short of a first down on an ill-advised fourth-period fake punt in the SEC Championship Game. That gave Alabama the ball at midfield which culminated in a late score and another catastrophic, lead-blowing, soul-crushing Bulldog loss to Bama in a championship game.

The hero of that comeback was Alabama’s Jalen Hurts, who came off the bench when Tua Tongavailoa, who had beaten him out for the starting job, got helped off the field with a wicked high ankle sprain after repeated futile efforts to run or complete passes against the ruthless Georgia D. Hurts came on, sliced and diced the Georgians, led Bama to victory, and parlayed that performance into a transfer to Oklahoma, where last week gained more than 500 yards and scored four touchdowns being the hell out of Houston, which would probably give Cincinnati a good game.

In the most interesting game of the day, Texas hosts LSU, led by Joe Burrow, who transferred from Ohio State last year after he couldn’t beat out J.T. Barrett or Dwayne Haskins.

All these transfer quarterbacks. It makes you think that there are probably a lot of former second-string quarterbacks out there in the world now whose day came and went without the magical transfer portal. So now, they’re pushing 40, wearing short sleeve shirts and a tie, driving around in a Honda Accord, selling bosom enhancers or something, like Uncle Rico in “Napolean Dynamite.” Bless their hearts, born too soon. I know that feeling.

These days, they could have transferred to some other school, played well enough to go to the NFL in the sixth round, make the team, then stand on the sideline in a ball cap holding a clipboard for a few years. And in that alternate reality, this Saturday, they could be sitting on the dock of their lake house watching the cork bob in the water, waiting for the pension check to come in the mail while the sounds of the game float in from a distant radio.

LSU at Texas, 7:30 p.m. ET ABC

Definitely. This is definitely the year. LSU has a lot of talent from here to yonder. Good Old Coach Ed Orgeron is walking around saying Yow Yow Yow Go Tigas with a glint in his eye, and promises that the offense will run more than the same three plays they’ve run since Billy Cannon ran back that punt on Halloween and beat the Ole Miss Rebels (Hey, Rebels. Sorry about last week. I really thought y’all could beat Memphis with all those new hot-shot coaches and a 31-man signing class that ranked in the Top 25. Silly me. I guess I forgot for a minute that y’all are the Rebels. Have you thought about any new names instead of Rebels? I’m working on a list for you, because I like you, and want the best for you, and I understand William Faulkner because I drank a lot in college. The main thing is, you have got to change that name, and while you’re at it, get your more rambunctious low-torque male students to stop shooting up the Medgar Evers historical marker with rifles. Trust me. You’ll all be much happier and Saturdays will be so much funner!” You’ll have more time to drink! What more motivation does any Mississippian need?)

You hear it every year abut this time, about how this is the year for the LSUs to finally take their place among the football elite. I like Ed Orgeron, I liked Les Miles, too, for that matter, and I want it to be true this time, and this time, maybe it is because … JOE BURROW is going to be flinging the ball around in a purple and gold football suit instead of filing his nails on the Horseshoe sideline attired in spotless scarlet and gray.

Burrow was a big boost last year, he keyed the Tigers up, played like a tough guy, made some big plays and looked really good at times. He looked absolutely lethal last week against Georgia Southern, but you know, it was Georgia Southern.

After long years in the wilderness, Texas is kind of the same way this year, getting its Texas self back: talking big, walking big, and when you look across the field and see all those hogs in those cool-ass, old-school burnt-orange jerseys, you think maybe they have the boys to back it up a little this time. And they’re in the Big 12, so basically, they have to beat LSU this week and Oklahoma and they get to lose to Clemson in the first round of the playoffs next year.

Coach Tom Herman earned his way to the job where every other fan is a billionaire. He got Houston into a New Year’s Six bowl when he was there, which is short of walking on water, but pretty close to turning water to wine. Before that, he was offensive coordinator at Ohio State and in 2015 he was down to his third string quarterback, the big, lumbering Cardale Jones, facing a heavily favored Alabama in the first-ever college football playoff. Well, he turned Cardale into Steve Young for a couple of hours and the Bucks lit up Bama’s vaunted and totally unprepared D for hundreds of yards rushing and passing – and having Zeke Elliott in the backfield before he went crazy helped, because every time you looked up, boogedey, boogedey, there he went, zoom, right by the Crimson Tide linebackers, who, running as hard as they could go, saw nothing but the bottoms of his feet and the top of his helmet grow smaller and smaller as he pulled away. OSU won 42-35 and then beat the Oregon Ducks like everybody does when the chips are down. Urban Meyer had won another national championship. Buckeye fans thought they’d never lose again. Herman got on the first thing smoking for Houston – and now he’s turning Texas around and fixing to play a kid who also escaped Ohio State to his great personal advantage.

Texas QB Sam Ehlernger is a strapping lad who’s really competitive, runs his mouth a little too much and throws his body around the field as he directs the Texans up and down the field like a stampede of renegade cows. LSU coach Ed Orgeron compared him to Tim Tebow, which you can kind of see if you squint. He’s not as good as Tebow. Ed said that, too.

Ehlinger led Texas to a win over Oklahoma last year, and after beating a dispirited Georgia team in a lackluster Sugar Bowl, he guaranteed the fans that Texas was BACK, BABY, and all the fans did that “hook ‘em horns” thing and whooped and hollered and shot six guns into the ceiling. Not really, it just felt like it.

This game will be great if they just turn the cameras up in the stands and broadcast the fans fighting. These teams have crazy fans.

New Mexico State at Alabama 4 p.m. SEC Network

It’s going to be 98 degrees at kickoff in Tuscaloosa, give or take. The only real question around this game is if Alabama will score the temperature. Well, another question is why do teams like Alabama play teams like this? Nick Saban has said Power 5 schools should be required to play five games a year against other P5s. I say, heigh ho. Let’s do it.

The line on this game is Alabama -55.5. If you ever want to give 55.5 points on a football bet, just to say you did it, and probably win, this is the one. 

Murray State at Georgia 4 p.m. ESPN2

Murray State is coming off that big 59-20 win over Pikeville, so the Racers will be riding high for this clash with No. 3. Georgia. The only real question around this game is if Pikeville put up 20 on these guys, how many will Georgia score? The line is Georgia -48.5, so maybe you’ll want to parlay Alabama and Georgia this week … don’t do it. Just don’t do it. 

West Virginia at Missouri, noon ET, ESPN2

Missouri’s 37-30 loss last week to Wyoming took a lot of the shine off the bold preseason predictions that the Tigers might compete for an East Division SEC Championship. Missouri has a transfer quarterback from Clemson, Kelly Bryant, who got beat out by Thor Odinson, the hammer dropping 6-6 golden god who has never lost a game in college. Kelly didn’t do much good last week against Wyoming.

Missouri is a 14-point favorite. The only thing I know about West Virginia is that Stonewall Jackson was born there, but I think I’d take the 14 based on that alone.

BYU at Tennessee, 7 p.m., ESPN

Well, Tennessee? Can you lose to these guys?

Tulane at Auburn, 7:30 p.m., ABC

Auburn played hard and got lucky against Oregon last week, scoring with nine seconds left to ruin Duck hopes and aspirations of ever beating an SEC team in the history of the world.

I don’t know much about Tulane, except they have a good law school or something. 

Auburn will kill them. 

WEEK 2: Texas A&M goes to Clemson; LSU goes to Texas; everybody else kind of wallers around

Texas A&M at Clemson 3:30 p.m. ET, ABC

Since Clemson became the might sword that slashed through the realm of College Football – let’s say since 2015 – they’ve had a habit of starting off with one or two sloppy, close games against teams they were expected to decimate.

Dating back to 2015, that would include a 20-17 win over Louisville in Week 3 and a 24-22 home win over Notre Dame. The Tigers went on to win all the rest then lose to Alabama 45-40 to Alabama in a hell of a game.

In 2016, they squeaked by Auburn 19-16 and beat Troy 30-24 thanks to a bad call that called back a Trojan scoop-and-score when Deshaun Watkins obviously fumbled before the whistle. (Sorry, I’m still a little bitter over this one).

The Tigers went on to beat Alabama 35-31 in one of the damndest games anybody ever saw.

In 2017, they ground out a hideous 14-6 win over Auburn and lost to Syracuse 27-24 but still won their so-so conference and Bama’s defense did terrible things to them 24-6 in the first round of the playoffs.

Last year, they did everything but lose to Texas A&M before picking up a 28-26 road win. They coasted through the ACC except for a close one with Syracuse, then beat Alabama’s guts out in the championship game.

Why all this history, those of your still reading are asking?

Well, this is why people think Texas A&M is going to cruise into Clemson and give second-year, expensive coach Jimbo Fisher his first super-signature victory.

I saw Clemson just beat the dog out of Georgia Tech last week. Georgia Tech is pretty awful, but it was a merciless thing to behold. Their defense looked as good as last year, which is to say, real, real, real good. Some folks are saying 6-foot-6 golden-haired, angular-featured, 19-year-old quarterback Thor Odinson didn’t hurl the hammer as well as he did, say, against Alabama last year when he beat them like yard dogs. But he was probably tired from handing off to Travis Etienne and watching him run through the pitiable Yellow Jacket defense like a hay mower though an endless field of golden wheat at harvest time.

That’s why I kind of have a feeling Clemson will dispense with Texas A&M en route to yet another romp through the ACC, and a trip to the playoffs.

Texas A&M is ranked 11th, and their quarterback, Kellen Mond, is a dangerous man. He threw for 430 yards against Clemson last year in the near-miss. If he can do that again, it’ll be interesting, but see, he threw for 430 last year and still lost, so how many will he need to get to win this year? 500? Yeah, about that, probably.

Clemson is a 17.5 point favorite, which seems a little high. If somebody held a gun to my head and made me bet, I’d bet Clemson to cover. But that’s only one reason I’m glad there’s nobody in my house aiming a gun at my head.

Check back for more here in a little bit.