Couch Potato: Keep reading, Alabama, Auburn and Clemson are near the bottom; all times Eastern and whatever


No. 10 Ohio State at No. 18 Michigan State

Will Ohio State go ahead and finally die, or will they squeak by these stiffs so they can stick around long enough to beat Michigan and screw up the Big Ten? Something’s wrong with this team, obviously.

Recap: Urban Meyer was investigated, wrist-slapped and semi-suspended just before the season after allowing a known wife-beater to remain on his coaching staff a dozen years or so and lying about it in a formal setting to every reporter that covers the Big Ten.

More recently he has publicly addressed how he suffers from a chronic condition that makes his brain hurt – he had brain surgery back in 2014, and while it’s not serious for brain surgery, there’s no brain surgery that’s not pretty fucking serious. Bless his heart and all, but it does recall how he had chest pains and quit his job as Florida’s head coach after Nick Saban beat his ass in the SEC title game, and it dawned on him that Tim Tebow, along with future convicted mass murderer, suicide, and hell of a tight end Aaron Hernandez and all those other studs were out of eligibility.

That came after Nick Bosa, an OSU legacy and the team’s best defensive player, got a non-season-ending boo-boo and said fuck this shit and quit school so he could get ready for the NFL draft independently of the teammates he left hanging.

Last week, OSU did everything but lose to the egregious Nebraska a week after getting their ass beat by Purdue, which is recognizable as a football team but did lose to Michigan State, today’s Buckeye foe.

Michigan State has two losses – one to actual football team Michigan and one on Sept. 8, when they left the crisp late-summer breezes of East Lansing to play Arizona State in a fucking desert – and here’s hoping they fired whoever scheduled that game.

Ohio State is a 3.5-point favorite. Why? I don’t know.

Navy at No. 12 UCF, Spectrum Stadium, Orlando, ESPN2

If Navy beats these guys and shuts up all the undefeated, defending fake national champions talk, it would be their greatest service to the nation since the SEALS shot bin Laden.

Ole Miss at Texas A&M, Kyle Field, College Station, CBS

Texas A&M’s quarterback has periods of dissonance where he drops back to pass then suddenly stands like a statue and holds the ball as if he had just seen a UFO. The other team tackles him and life goes on a little bit worse than before.

After barely losing to Clemson and losing pretty at Alabama, the poor Aggies have been victimized by teams needing to get well this year – Mississippi State stomped them after a four-game losing skid and Auburn came back to win last week and probably saved Gus Malzahn’s job, for better or worse.

But I still think the Aggies will beat Ole Miss, which is plagued by being awful.

Vanderbilt at Missouri, Faurot Field, Columbia, MO, SEC Network

Vandy has five losses and Missouri has four after surprisingly beating the shit out of Florida last week, so the Commies need to win out to earn a bid to a shitty bowl and get a few extra weeks of practice to develop players and stuff. Vandy almost beat Notre Dame back in September, when they could have spared us the illusion of Fighting Irish competence, but they didn’t, so damn them for that.

Mizzou beat Purdue, terror of the Big Ten, and has a good quarterback, so the Sons of Truman could win out and get a bid to a decent bowl that might even pay them enough to cover travel costs and meals. Missouri is pretty good, really. They only lost 39-10 to Alabama in Tuscaloosa, losing by 29, the same number of points as LSU, which was ranked No. 3 in the nation and played Bama after dark in fearsome Baton Rouge. Because 29 – 0 = 29.

3:30 p.m.

No. 16 Mississippi State at No. 1 Alabama, 3:30 p.m. Bryant-Denny Stadium, Tuscaloosa, CBS

Will Alabama suffer a letdown after last week’s big win over LSU? Will they relax, having clinched a berth in the SEC Championship Game?

That’ll be the fucking day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mississippi State scores. But win? Nah.

These guys managed just a field goal against LSU’s pretty good defense, which got run ragged by Alabama, and they gave up 19 more points to the Swamp Tigers than Bama did, because 19 + 0 = 19.

The over-under is like, 54, which is coverable, considering that Alabama could score that many in the first half if Tua doesn’t re-injure his tender knee. However, the Bulldogs have a fairly decent defensive line, and they’re just the kind of team that would hurt your quarterback a month before he goes to New York to pick up his Heisman.

Hearkening back to Tua’s knee, Alabama is dinged up, which seems to happen every November since Saban beats the shit out of his team to make them tough, which works but sometimes backfires.

Last year, they lost 212 linebackers to injury which led to a scary 31-24 win over State in Starkville and a convincing loss at Auburn compounded by Tua still sitting on the bench watching Jalen Hurts run right and throw the ball out of bounds approximately every offensive snap in the second half.

Speaking of Jalen, who is the second-best quarterback in the SEC, he’s hurt, too. He’s got a high ankle sprain, which is a weird injury and takes forever to get well.

Alabama’s got the best OL in the nation, the best stable of running backs and the best group of wide receivers, but third-string quarterback Mac Jones is a nice boy and his mama loves him, but that’s about it.

No. 11 Kentucky at Tennessee, Neyland Stadium, Knoxville, SEC Network

Kentucky fans hate Tennessee, which is no surprise. Tennessee leads the world in arch-rivals, but that distinction has waned a bit since they’ve sucked for a few generations.

As we’ve noted before, Tennessee has an actual football coach in place now, who has not quite managed to make a silk purse out of the sow’s ear he inherited, but he has made a sort of a purse.

Kentucky got hammered by Georgia last week, as anticipated. And they played hard and all that shit, but the fact remains they can’t throw, which you just have to be able to do every now and then, whether you want to or not.

If Kentucky loses this one, they can win out and have three losses, still go to a pretty good bowl game and lose to a Big Ten team or something. But with a win, they could become the flagship of Kentucky sports, since the basketball team got poleaxed 118-84 by Duke last Tuesday, the only blue wave that happened that night.

The Vols play Missouri and Vanderbilt after this one, so losing out is a distinct possibility, and winning one of those three is a big goal of the Big Orange on the road to becoming better than awful sooner than later.

7 p.m.

No. 24 Auburn at No. 5 GeorgiaSanford Stadium, Athens, GA, ESPN

The Auburn powers announced earlier this week that Gus Malzahn’s job is secure, come what may. That could mean they have faith in his ability to win next year with even less talent than he has now, or that Mike Leach won’t return their calls.

If anybody owes Auburn an ass-beating, it’s … well, it’s Alabama, week after next. Georgia swung the hammer of righteous revenge for last year’s regular-season beatdown in the SEC Championship Game last year.

But the Dawgs hate the War Damns in general, and really need to finish strong to make the SEC Championship Game against Alabama anything more than an all-expenses-paid trip to Atlanta.

And now that Gus knows he gets to keep his $7 million a year job, Georgia is probably going to score a hundred.

8 p.m.

No. 2 Clemson at No. 17 Boston CollegeAlumni Stadium, Chestnut Hill, MA, ABC

Clemson is scoring a lot of points, running the ball like thunder and blocking and tackling and all that shit really well. They beat Louisville 77-16 last week, which isn’t that big of an achievement. Ditto the previous week’s defeat of Florida State by many points to few. Ditto beating everybody else in the godawful ACC.

Clem will probably beat the snot out of Boston College this week because the Orange Tigers have a really good defense and Boston College doesn’t have any defense to speak of.

There’s nobody left on the schedule who can give Clemson a ball game, which is a testament to the ineptitude of the ACC as much as it is to the greatness of the Tigers.

But Clemson is definitely the only team out there right now that could play with Alabama. It’ll probably happen in the title game, the fourth straight meeting of the two Southern grid giants in the …. sorry, I fell asleep there for a second. The College Football Playoffs.


Couch Potato: The greatest college football column nobody reads

For all of you who read Couch Potato last week, I appreciate it, and will personally thank all 12 of you in person one day. But you might want to revisit it and see just how on the money my analysis was. To wit: “Before Texas A&M shit the bed against Mississippi State, I’d have picked them over Auburn without a second thought. Now, I have my doubts because this is a game between two flaky teams.” Texas A&M built a healthy lead then watched it evaporate in the final minutes after Auburn de-flaked and beat them. Michigan State beat Maryland, which is the most messed-up program in the world right now. Favored Army beat Air Force in a close one; Kentucky couldn’t beat Georgia because while politics is fucked up enough that the ones you think will lose manage to win, football is still a grim assessment of which is the better team; West Virginia and Texas was a wildass shoot-em-up between a couple of teams that are pretty good and don’t have a damn thing to lose; “Penn State has been so shitty this year, I don’t know how they’re still ranked No. 14;” and “Can LSU beat Alabama? Shit, no.” and “You know, it was LSU and Ed Orgeron who figured out how to stop Alabama’s offense when nobody else could back when Jalen Hurts was the starting quarterback … Jalen beat them anyway, but it did give a lot of coaches with better players the same idea …” and “I don’t think LSU’s offense is good enough to do enough to beat Alabama. I don’t think they’re good enough to cover 14 points.” If LSU’s offense had been good enough to get a few first downs in the second half so their defense wasn’t exposed to a dinged-up Tua and a Jalen who couldn’t play, they would have had a chance.

So, here is last week’s Coach Potato, and all the other ones, so you can show your friends and say, “All the cool kids read this guy.”

Couch Potato: Can LSU beat Alabama? Shit, no. And what about Auburn? Well, what about them? And Michigan and Penn State? Two marshmallows in a paper cup.


The College Football Playoff polls came out this week, and they’re total bullshit, of course.

We live in the post-truth world where imaginary caravans of lawless murder-crazed Mexicans and Middle Easterners are taking a 1,500-mile stroll up the shank of Central America to storm Brownsville, Texas and demand free room and board from the U.S. in time to illegally vote for Beto O’Rourke, and LSU vaults Notre Dame into the No. 3 position so the Tigas 8 p.m. ET prime-time on CBS game with No. 1 TuaBama will get better ratings.

The games

Three quality bloody Mary games start the day at noon ET. The secret to a good bloody is Snap-E-Tom chili cocktail mix, for which you have to pay $65 for 24 cans on eBay now because Ortega quit making it several years because it was too good, I guess.  That and celery salt.

 No. 20 Texas A&M at Auburn ESPN, noon ET

Before Texas A&M shit the bed against Mississippi State last week, I’d have picked them without a second thought. Now, I have my doubts because this is a game between two flaky teams.

A&M allowed Mississippi State’s Sasquatch quarterback the run of the field, throwing, passing, pitching, running, high-stepping and beating ass in all ways conceivable. Auburn, meanwhile, beat the hell out of Ole Miss, who I thought might win until I remembered they were Ole Miss. Their NCAA sanctions for crimes against humanity were reduced this week, but I’m not sure if that’s going to help the situation they find themselves in now, which is being a shitty team.

I guess A&M should win, but Gus Malzahn promised God and everybody that the War Damns had regained their footing on the uncertain ground that has been Auburn’s season, adding that they were poised to make a defiant November run like last year’s that made the fans change their minds from wanting to drown him in a toilet into giving him $7 million a year to, you know, continue to flounder around and occasionally look just good enough to let you know the team was underachieving, which is worse than just honestly sucking.

He already got the money and a $39 million buyout so I’m going to guess yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Michigan State at Maryland

Last week Maryland re-instated their coach, who a lot of people felt had a lot to do with the death of one of his players in spring workouts and generally allowing the program to descend into godforsaken, unchecked chaos. There was a lot of public outcry, so on second thought, the administration called him back and said, yeah, you know when we didn’t fire you, well, you’re fired. Meanwhile on Tuesday, the punter and backup punter got into a fistfight and the starter had to go to the hospital with a black eye, stitches and a lot of broken shit. Then a bunch of the other players tweeted that the backup guy started it and was generally a dick, to which he responded, to paraphrase, fuck all those guys in their eyes and ears, I’m awesome and they’re all dicks.

I really like Michigan State’s chances.

3:30 p.m.

Air Force at Army

Army is the best of the service academies this year and they are ranked 41st in the nation, one spot ahead of Auburn. Think about that. These are 19-year-old guys who have to be smart enough to one day soon fly rocket ships or go be generals and shit, but not before getting up every morning in college and making their bed so tight you can bounce a quarter off of it. In addition to that and quite significantly, these Army (and Air Force) kids must possess complete willingness to get shot at, then crawl through the mud and go kill those motherfuckers.

What I’m saying is, West Point is a hard place to recruit to. And they’re ranked ahead of Auburn, and their coach is not making nearly $7 million a year.


No. 6 Georgia at No. 9 Kentucky

East-Division-of-the-SEC contender Kentucky either proves it’s for real or starts the devolution into despair we have all been expecting to happen any week now. The Wildcats can’t throw it from here to the wall, but they do run the hell out of the ball. They play defense, too, unlike all Kentucky teams since Bear Bryant left shortly after the Civil War.

Georgia has been up and down and all around but won, except for a getting that ass kicked on the road at LSU, which makes you think, well, maybe the Bulldogs could screw up and lose this thing.

“Ah,” I thought, “Shit like Georgia losing to Kentucky just doesn’t happen.”

Then I turned on the news and President Donald Trump was getting on Air Force One and I realized, yah, shit like that does happen.

No. 13 West Virginia at No. 17 Texas

The main thing I know about West Virginia is that their fans set their sofas on fire when the team wins big games. I wonder if this one would qualify? Probably not.

All I know about Texas is that they used to be hell on wheels, then Nick Saban beat their ass in the Rose Bowl for the national championship and Mac Brown went into a tailspin until they finally fired him, they tried to hire Saban but he didn’t take the job, and now they’re incrementally getting slightly better.

3:45 p.m.

No. 14 Penn State at No. 5 Michigan

Penn State has been so shitty this year, I don’t know how they’re still ranked No. 14, but you know what? If they do manage to play a decent game for 60 minutes this will be the one, because they’ll totally fuck up the Big Ten, and the Big Ten’s natural state is fucked up.

8 p.m. on CBS

No 1 Alabama (-14) at No. 3 LSU

Well, LSU’s defensive backs had the audacity to say they thought they could match up with Alabama and keep Tua from lighting them up like a forest fire.

All the Alabama fans got all “Oh, yeah! Who do you think you are? You fucking fucks, we’ll kick your ass.” Tua was all, “Oh, they are a fine team and the best we have seen and oh, such a challenge it shall be against a fine accumulation of talent and determination.”

Alabama fans never kick anybody’s ass. They identify so strongly with the football team that they think they do. Alabama fans are, in large part, pretty full of shit.

You know, it was LSU and Ed Orgeron who figured out how to stop Alabama’s offense when nobody else could back when Jalen Hurts was the starting quarterback. They put nine in the box and said, “Throw it, Jalen.”

Jalen beat them anyway, but it did give a lot of coaches with better players the same idea and two of them managed to beat Alabama.

Does Ed have another one up his sleeve? Will he rush three and drop into cover three and … then Tua will hand it off to one of those seven or eight beat-ass tailbacks and yonder they’ll go, boogedy boogedy.

I just don’t think LSU’s offense is good enough to do enough to beat Alabama. I don’t think they’re good enough to cover 14 points, to tell the truth.

I’ve been wrong once or twice.

Couch Potato: Tom Ensey pisses you off – Week 8 of college ball on TV doesn’t suck, though there’s always the chance it will


Michigan at Michigan State, noon ET

No. 6 Michigan should tear off No. 24 Michigan State’s head and shit in it, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen. Michigan is only so good, and Michigan State is only so bad.

Michigan State’s quarterback threw 52 passes last week and completed 24 and they still only scored 17 points against the appallingly overrated Penn State. Watching Tua Tagovailoa has ruined me. If he threw 52 passes Alabama would score 200. More on him later.

Michigan beat the hell out of Wisconsin last week, which could mean Wisconsin is worse than I thought or Michigan’s better, but you know me and the Big Ten. Nobody’s any good but Ohio State and they represent all worldly evil, but I like that band.

Auburn at Ole Miss, noon ET

When Auburn quits, they quit full speed, and the Tigers sat on the porch and whittled last week while losing to Tennessee. The Auburn season has turned into a tractor-tire fire, the bitter stench, orange flame and black plumes of toxic smoke spiraling into the blue Alabama sky like the futile prayers of doomed hostages. Auburn is a 2.5-point favorite this Saturday over a team Alabama beat 62-7, and what has happened recently to make you think Auburn will win at all?

This season is so over, Auburn fans are free to start worrying about next year, when there will not only be no running backs, offensive line, defense or kicking game – there will also be no quarterback. Jarrett Stidham has got to be thinking about how he probably cost himself a year and a few million bucks by hanging around to watch the rubber burn.

Speaking of millions, Gus Malzahn is counting his. Soon he can sit around the Financially Secure Fired Auburn Coaches Club with Tommy Tuberville, Gene Chizik, Brother Oliver, Wayne Hall and Pat Dye and brag about how he beat both teams in the 2018 national championship game.

It’s a hard time for Auburn fans – do you hope the guys turn things around, wind up 6-6 or 7-5, go to some shitty bowl and save Gus’ job for another year, or hope things fall apart and stake all hope on some imaginary coach who can come take over and save the Plains?

No. 16 North Carolina State at No. 3 Clemson, 3:30 p.m. ET

If Clemson’s going to choke, this is the week. North Carolina State is only ranked 16th despite being undefeated against a gallery of inept opponents (their only semi-tough game, against West Virginia, was canceled because of the hurricane).

If they knock off the Fighting Dabos, they’ll be Top 10 and in position to win the ACC if they can keep from losing two more league games, a big if. It’s a sad commentary on the state of things in this woebegone era. The Wolfpack could totally win the rest of their shitty schedule, beat some wonk in the ACC championship game then sit back and be the centerpiece of a perfectly valid argument that an undefeated conference champion has no place in the College Football Playoffs.

No. 1 Alabama at Tennessee 

The big question here is Tua’s knee – he twisted it against Happy Appy, sprained it good against Arky, re-sprained it last week against Missouri causing his mother to pray out loud on a cutaway shot as a million Bama fans and even more gamblers joined the conversation with their higher power.

Tennessee is all sparked up after their big road win over the death-spiraling Auburn last week, which was probably a false flag. There’s no doubt the Vols are getting better each week, which is to be expected now that they have an actual football coach in charge. But they still need players, which they lack in abundance.

The word is UT will start two freshman cornerbacks, so Tua could play in a wheelchair and throw three touchdown passes. The 28.5-point line looks like it might be somewhat competitive, though Alabama’s defense looked like the olden days when offensive production of 250 yards and 17 points assured victory.

The Tide is going to start a walk-on punter, and why not? The other guy should have bought a ticket the last three weeks and the couple of times he did punt it looked like a flare gun, straight up and fizzle.

Mississippi State at LSU 7 p.m. ET 

Would it really surprise anybody if Mississippi State somehow cruised into Baton Rouge and beat LSU with a safety on a bad call on the last play of the game this week?

LSU is just weird, which should come as no surprise when Ed Orgeron is your coach, who is cool in a weird sort of way or weird in a cool sort of way, I can’t decide which. Ed’s the kind of guy I think I’d like to have a beer with, but I’d want to sit within sprinting distance of the door in case he started a bar fight.

A week after getting their head handed to them by Florida the Tigas beat the living hell out of Georgia, magically providing the only impetus imaginable to make me want to actually watch the Cocktail Party next week.

Mississippi State’s got a Sasquatch quarterback who can break contain and rumble for 10 yards between the tackles at a top speed of 2 mph whether he’s in the open field or with two defensive linemen and a cornerback on his back. Against LSU, could this be enough?

Probably not. But would it surprise you? Not me.

Couch Potato: Tennessee at Auburn a clash of sorrowful futility; Tua’s hurt, and yet the cruel sun yet rises

None but a fool ever wrote but for money. Some English guy said that back in the 1700s or thereabouts, and when I studied all that worthless shit in college, I thought, “Yeah, that’s truth, right there.”
But here I am, writing Couch Potato, and writing it on Saturday morning in a hurry before I have to go to work – and before the bloody Mary games kick off — because the nine people who read this shit get all sad and stuff when I say I’m going to quit.
Here it is. How do I start a Patreon page? Or y’all can just send me money. Cash: 2306-D Boultier Street, 36106.
I don’t care if the hackers know my address. They already know. I’ve been hacked more times than Shaq. If you get that joke, you’re the one I do it for.
Tennessee at Auburn
In 2013, Gus Malzahn took over a flagging Auburn football team armed with a variation of the wing-T offense and a dream. Running a no-huddle swarming attack with a defensive back who could outrun most motorcycles playing quarterback, the Tigers imposed terror on all concerned and Gus was hailed as the offensive genius of the new millennium. They beat Alabama on a breathtaking, 99.999-yard, last-second return of a field goal for a game-winning touchdown and then lost the national championship game to Florida State and their incredibly talented quarterback Jameis Winston, an accused rapist.
In 2017, Malzahn beat Georgia and Alabama back-to-back and parlayed that into a $7 jillion pillion a year contract before getting his ass beat by Georgia in the SEC title game rematch, thence stricken, he stumbled bowlward to Atlanta and humiliation at the hands of fake national champion UCF. 
Last Saturday Auburn got gut-stomped 23-9 by a Mississippi State team that had lost its last two games to Kentucky (in football) and Florida. The Tigers’ offensive line devolved into chaos after not being very good in the first place. The Auburn defense, which is pretty good, fought nobly against a Bulldogs offense with a big, slow quarterback, one running back who is pretty good and nine other guys. But the War Eagles ran out of gas in the fourth quarter because you know, when your offense can’t score a touchdown or make a first down, that really makes it hard out there for a defense, and you wind up looking like Kanye West dressed in a water bottle suit waving at the gigantic Nick Fitzgerald as be goes rumbling up the middle of the field, knocking you down.
Today in Auburn, it’s Tennessee that was itself once very good according to accounts found on ancient clay tables recovered in the Knoxville area and a few Smoky Mountain cave glyphs. Last week, explorers recovered papyrus scrolls that said Tennessee beat an SEC team 11 games ago. More research is required.
Tennessee has been godawful this season, just unbelievably bad, like the high school play I was in where the main character forgot her lines and all us cast members sat on stage in silence for about 10 minutes, a dramatic tableau, experimental theater, before the girl playing my wife suddenly got up, sauntered across the stage and said, “Daddy, why don’t you go break grandmother’s TV set?” I stood up and said, “If I must, I must.” It was my last line in the play, about 20 minutes ahead of where we were supposed to be, so I went backstage, took off my makeup, got in my car and drove home. I never acted again.
O, but despair not, ye fans who attire yourselves in Orange-centric shirts and blouses and march with sullen determination to cheer on your desultory teams. Seek joy in small things, for Tennessee and Auburn will both be good again one day, far from now, in the distant future, when Knoxville is a city on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean and Auburn floats above the clouds, levitated by devices invented by the guys at Apple Computers, which is run by a dude who graduated from the War Eagle School of Engineering.
Until then, here we are. Rejoice and be glad, and drink brown whiskey. The weather finally turned and it’s delightful in Auburn today, ideal for bourbon.
Missouri at Alabama
Why the hell is Missouri in the East division of the SEC? It’s halfway to Cali-damn-fornia and the people in the central plains don’t display appropriate reverence for grits and salt-cured ham. They do have good barbecue, I’ll give them that, but it’s not as good as they think it is. Nothing is as good as Missourians think their barbecue is. The sauce is too sweet.
Also, this is the Southeastern Conference, and Missouri is southeast of only eight states, nine if you count Alaska, but all 48 contiguous states are southeast of Alaska if you think about it.
The Tigers do love to throw the ball and they head into Tua-scaloosa, where the Hummin’ Hawaiian has turned “Run Da Bawl” Bama fans into “r’ar back and fling it” boosters overnight.
Alabama’s defense got lit up like a roman candle by Arkansas last week, and this is cause for concern, because:
Arkansas sucks. And it gets worse.
Tua’s hurt. Tua hurt his knee. Nick Saban said it’s sprained but that hasn’t affected the number of reps he’s taken this week at practice and it’s not expected to be a factor in today’s game and he’s wearing a brace.
Would you believe Nick Saban if he said goats are mammals? I would be suspicious. I’d check it before I printed it. They are, by the way. They have fur, milk, etc. Mammals, check goats off that list.
Here’s the deal. Last week at Arkansas, Tua threw touchdowns easier than most men can throw wadded-up paper into a trash can 10 feet away. He was on pace to score about 200 with 5 minutes gone in the first and then, bam! Arkansas tackled him, one of the first people they’ve tackled all season, and he came up limping. The trainers gave him a knee brace, and he kept playing, but he didn’t throw a touchdown every pass, so there was a drop-off in performance.
The defense will have to play better if Tua can’t wreak utter havoc because he is a little gimpy. (I had a colleague once who said you should’t say the words “gimpy” or “crippled-up” in sports stories because they are derogatory to gimps and cripples and therefore politically incorrect words. I told him that he’s the reason people vote for Donald Trump. By the way, I am both a gimp and a cripple since I started taking statins, and so are all my friends, and this is how we speak amongst ourselves. Gimp, gimp, gimp. Cripple, cripple, cripple.)
This whole thing is complicated by the injury to Taye Diggs, the Bama starting cornerback who also hurt a knee last week. (There’s an obvious conspiracy. Russia is doing collusion with Arkansas. It’s in Hillary’s emails, you can read it there. Everybody wonders where they are. Well, she sent them to me, and I have them. She also caused ice cream to be fattening. Damn her.).
Mizzou’s QB Drew Lock, who is pretty damn good, by the way, might not want to do the natural thing and throw it at Diggs’ replacement, because it’ll probably be that Surtain kid, who is holy hell. But somebody will be starting and playing more than ordinary and he could be as low as a four star, or even a three.
Alabama is in danger. It’s a trap.
Georgia at LSU
Will LSU rebound from last week’s loss at Florida, where the Tigers offense once again strained to score like an old man who didn’t eat his prunes? Will Georgia, the other major badass in the SEC, struggle because of the intimidating atmosphere in Baton Rouge?
Hell, no.
Look, Tiger Stadium isn’t all that. It’s a big-ass stadium, and it’s loud, and the fans all get drunk and holler shit at your players and you – in other words, it’s like every other stadium in the United States of America, even soccer ones.
It’s going to be interesting to see if LSU’s defense can expose anything about Georgia’s offense that we don’t already know. Hint: Probably not. But LSU’s defense is pretty good even if they did give up 27 to Florida, which isn’t as bad as you think. Well, actually, seven of those points were given up by LSU’s quarterback accidentally throwing it to the Florida guy, who ran it all the way back for a touchdown, so yeah, LSU’s defense is pretty sporty.
Georgia’s defense isn’t as good as it was last year, but there’s a good chance Kirby Smart will figure out a way to stop the three plays LSU runs.
LSU could win this game if it were a better team. Maybe even if it’s not, but I’d be surprised.

Couch Potato: Kyler Murray vs. Tua Tagovaiola at noon; LSU at Florida 3.0; Kentucky continues march to national championship

If I get 15 readers again this week, I’m going to just give you all my cell phone number so you can call me and ask what I think about the games this week.

So share this piece of shit with your friends and tell them if they don’t read it you will make them pay back all the money they borrowed.

Alabama at Arkansas, Texas vs. Oklahoma

There’s one reason to get up before noon and mix a bloody Mary – Alabama plays the egregious Arkansas and Oklahoma plays the flaky Texas on the TV machine. Even if you hate all four teams, which most people do, it’ll be a chance to flip back and forth and simultaneously evaluate Bama’s Tua Tagovaiola as compared to Oklahoma’s Tyler Murray, the two best quarterbacks this side the NFL and maybe history.

Tua is playing on the road at Arkansas, which has a pass defense slightly better than nothing. It I were Arkansas’ coach, I’d probably have several bloody Marys then rush 11 and hope Alabama’s receivers all tripped and fell down.

Kyler has been doing about everything a quarterback should do at Oklahoma, following the manic Baker Mayfield with flair and lethality. But he’s been overshadowed by the “holy shit” factor of Tagovaiola, who has kept his punter in shape by making him get up, walk to the sidelines with the rest of the kicking team, then go back and sit on the bench on third down. Tua has thrown three incomplete passes on third down all season and averaged about 20 yards a completion, which is in just about every situation going to be more than enough for a first down.

Kyler is playing in a rivalry game and Texas is looking slightly less like a group of strangers who were kidnapped on Friday night and forced to put on pads and play football the next day. But he’ll probably light them up, unless he doesn’t.

LSU at Florida at 3:30 p.m. ET

Ed Orgeron’s big, ugly team has whipped ass all year, but Florida’s not terrible and strange things happen in Gainesville when the Swamp Tigers visit.

This could give Dan Mullen his signature win at the Gator helm, and if that happens, the LSU faithful will have another drink and start thinking that what they were afraid was going to happen this year is starting to happen.

Indiana at Ohio State, sometime in the mid-afternoon

Indiana is 4-1 and goes to play Ohio State, which came from behind to beat TCU and Penn State, the only two decent teams it’s played. So, could the Hoosier take advantage and surprise … fuck, no. It’s Indiana.

Kentucky at Texas A&M, about dark or so

Kentucky wins ugly and Texas A&M loses pretty, so this should be a classic confrontation of something.

If Texas A&M wins, Jimbo avoids the indignation of losing to Kentucky and that’s about it.

If Kentucky wins, you have to got start thinking the Wildcats are semi-real and will only have to figure out a way to beat Georgia on Nov. 3 (tactical thermonuclear weapons?) to win the SEC East and earn the right to face Tua and the Tide in the championship game.

Is this truly an objective to be desired?

Auburn at Mississippi State, good to watch if you have trouble sleeping

This game offers each team the chance to really suck. Not just halfass suck, but to show the world how it’s done.

Auburn has no offensive line and not much offense at all (join us in prayer for the continued health and well being of Jarret Stidham, bless his heart).

State QB Nick Fitzgerald’s Heisman hopes have really taken a beating this year, seeing as how he has sucked and so have the Bulldogs in every way imaginable.

This should be a low-scoring, hideous game.

Notre Dame at Virginia Tech, good to watch if you wake up and can’t go back to sleep

I have already apologized for saying that Virginia Tech might be able to unseat Clemson as the eternal champions of the weak-ass ACC. That’s not going to happen. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I may have to apologize for saying Notre Dame just isn’t that good, but fattens up on sucky teams and then gets slaughtered when the chips are down.

Probably not.


COUCH POTATO: Crummy day of football watching, but still slightly better than a sharp stick in the eye: Notre Dame, Stanford; Ohio State, Penn State; South Carolina, Kentucky

This edition of Couch Potato is a little late – it’s already game day – but I had a hard time getting motivated to write a column for free this week.

College ball on TV today is like a low-carb, keto-friendly faux German Chocolate cake made with almond flour and avocados compared to a slice of the kind your mama made with the good shit: hand-flaked Baker’s 90-percent cocoa chocolate with four pounds of with cane sugar flown in from New Orleans and that icing she spent all day making out of condensed milk, hand-grated fresh coconut (you crack the shell in the oven) and pecans from the tree in grandma’s yard.

My Type 2 diabetic blood sugar just went to 350 writing that sentence – goddamn it, pancreas, why did you of all organs have to crap out on me? But it tumbles to normal ranges talking about football on TV today – there are three halfway games and they all kick off at the same time. Jeez.

The three decent games are Ohio State at Penn State, Stanford at Notre Dame and South Carolina at Kentucky (yeah, that’s the hottest game in the SEC today.) They all start at 7:30 p.m. ET, the cruelest hour.

Ohio State at Penn State, 7:30 p.m.

Ohio State is a really good football team, transcending the onus of the Big Ten, home of overrated, slowass football teams. The unlikeable Urban Meyer, who has served his wrist slap for allegedly aiding and abetting sexual violence against the wife of one of his assistant coaches and, by inference all women, is back in full flourish on the Buckeye sideline.

I don’t really know how good Penn State is because they did everything but lose to Happy Appy State and then have nothing but stomp shitty teams.

Ohio State showed a few holes in their ugly win over TCU, which is recognizable as an actual football team but nothing to write home about.

Penn State Coach James Franklin, when he was at Vanderbilt and some of his players gang-raped an unconscious woman in a dorm room, seemed to be distressed by the incident and did kick the guys off the team.

I’ll go with Penn State. See why I wasn’t stoked to write this?

Stanford at Notre Dame, 7: 30 p.m.

Stanford looked really stalwart last week, getting pushed around pretty bad by the homestanding Oregon Ducks before mounting a damned impressive comeback.

Look, I’ve said it before, I’m not sold on Notre Dame. I think Stanford is a good football team – not as talented as some, but they do play together and don’t quit.

So yeah, I’ll go with the Trees.

South Carolina at Kentucky, 7:30 p.m.

South Carolina was the preseason darling to contend in the SEC East, and possibly give the hegemonic Georgia Bulldogs a run for their money. Well, nah. In the early season collision of the two, Georgia won 41-17 and made South Carolina like it.

Kentucky has gotten just a little bit better year after year during coach Mark Stoops’ reign. He’s been at Kentucky for six years, which comparatively speaking, is like a dog living about 30 years.

He’s 36-30 in Lexington, which doesn’t look as good as it is – it’s a positive percentage, which is a hard thing to do at a school where fans would rather watch basketball practice than go to the homecoming game.

The Wildcats are off to a 4-0 start, which is different from previous early hot streaks because they have beaten two real football teams – Florida and Mississippi State. Each of them is probably at least as good as South Carolina.

Kentucky continues its march to a national championship with a hard-fought victory.