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COUCH POTATO WEEK 7: College football has actual decent games, in open defiance of the broken system that produces the egregious regular season

Michigan at Illinois, NOON ET, ESPN

Here’s another game that presents overrated Michigan yet another chance to lose to a team they should beat. May it be so because Harbaugh sucks.

Oklahoma vs. Texas in Dallas, Noon ET; Fox

Oklahoma has rolled up astonishing statistics this season against wretched competition. Texas is not wretched. The Longhorns barely lost at home to LSU, who has become the darling of all those who want somebody, anybody, to beat Alabama. Will Jalen be able to explode through the middle of the Texas defense and thread the needle to Cee Dee Lamb far downfield to score dozens of points? Or will be end up feeling heat from surging Longhorn creatures, breaking right, flashing his 4.3 wheels to make it to the hashline so he can throw another one out of bounds for another third down incompletion and bring on the punter – like he did at Alabama before they handed the reins to Tua? Please, God, let Jalen find room to run and execute the offense because 1. he’s a good man and 2. It’s harder to watch than video of Mexican kids sleeping in cages on the Texas border.

South Carolina at Georgia, Noon, ESPN

South Carolina is just good enough to make you think, maybe they can cover the what, 25-point spread today? Then you have another sip of coffee and go, “Naaaah.”

Florida State at Clemson, 3:30 p.m. ABC

Another shitty ACC team that can’t beat Clemson, which is not terrible this year, but nothing to clutch your bosom and say, “Oh, my my.” The ACC is a dog conference, so tell me, why doesn’t Notre Dame join it, win their half every week and then try to scoot one past Clemson to go to the playoffs all the time instead of showing up like locusts – every eight years, make a lot of noise, then die.

Alabama at Texas A&M, 3:30 p.m. CBS

Well, of course Alabama has a boatload of injuries on defense against Texas A&M, which would be a bad thing if Kellen Mond hadn’t forgotten how to play football since last year. The Tide has added about three more guys to the list of Walking Dead with blown knees, clobbered ankles and arrow wounds to the liver (I made that one up) who won’t be seen again until next season, if then. Texas A&M gave up significant yardage to Auburn and Arkansas, who are not in the same universe as Tua and the Four Wide Receivers of the Apocalypse, so it should be cruel and unusual. However, the Ags are relatively good at tackling running backs, so expect the running game to suck again this week, unless the OL learned to block all at the same time instead of intermittently, when they feel like it.

USC at Notre Dame, 7:30 p.m., ABC

Here’s a rivalry that old men on Social Security are able to remember being good. Notre Dame, whose claim to fame this year is playing Georgia close in Athens, but still LOSING, is a 14-point favorite. USC might could screw up and cover that, since they have their main man quarterback back after a ridiculous string of injuries. And he returns just when the seventh-string guy was beginning to learn the plays.

Florida at LSU, 8 p.m., ESPN

Florida got a lot more cred than they probably deserved by removing the wheels and burning the tires of Auburn’s creaky offense last week. I’d bought in, I was all believing that this Cox freshman at Auburn was the second coming of Johnny Football only not a manic-depressive with a drug problem, and then, BOOM! Florida’s defense squashed him like a bug. It was bound to happen someday, Auburn was not all that good, but they really were starting to believe, and since time immemorial, when Auburn plays on pure emotion, they beat teams they don’t have any business beating. I just wasn’t sure that Florida was good enough to hit them in the mouth hard and often enough to level out the feel-good hormones in the War Eagle Nation’s brains. Evidently, they were.

Florida’s flaky, man, but they’re just a big, old ugly team that does what their coach tells them. They drag you down into the mudhole and get you to play their mudhole game and you do not beat a mudhole team in a mudhole. I like that redheaded quarterback, who didn’t go in the transfer portal because he loves being a Gator. Last week against Auburn he gets hurt, goes over to the sidelines, spits on some dirt and rubs it into the wound, then limps back out there and throws big, ugly passes to big, ugly receivers – who are actually prettu good. I also like that little No. 2 who Auburn said wasn’t fast enough to play for them, so he broke loose on an 88-yard, heart-spiking scoring run in the fourth quarter and outran everybody in a white shirt.

But can Florida beat LSU? Well, my first impression is not freaking likely. LSU has a really good team. But they had a really good team last year this time, and then they played Alabama and got beat 29-0, because Alabama missed two extra points, of course. So Ed Orgeron said “Yow yow! Yow yow yow yow!” Which means, “Goddamn it, we’re going to throw the ball and do all that fancy-dancy stuff and score like a big ole alligator eatin’ a bowl full of crawfish boudin balls.”

And boy, do they throw the ball. Their transfer quarterback, Joe Burrow (sounds like a train robber in the 1880s, doesn’t it? Great name.) fires dimes to that flock of wide receivers that some folks say is better than Alabama’s, but nah, I’ll believe that when I see it. But they are damn good, and they roll up and down the field like engines of helldeath, scoring 50 a game.

And they play the worst defense you ever saw. It’s hard to believe, because LSU has always had a decent defense except when the chips were down against Alabama. As we’ve said before, Alabama’s defense has been far less murderous than usual this season, but at least they have an excuse – more injuries than the Avengers after that big guy, Thanos, pushes all the buttons on that glove thing. Oh, yeah. SPOILER. If you haven’t seen a three-years old movie yet. I hate you spoiler people, who want us all to keep a secret so your viewing experience isn’t diminished because you’re too lazy to get off your butt, go to the movie theater and watch the thing.

I still think LSU’s defensive backs are good enough to cover Florida’s receivers, such as they are. And their defensive line is good enough to get back there and chase Kyle Trask out of the pocket, because I am faster than Kyle Trask, and I’m slow as a cold stink bug.